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02.03.02 - 05.25.02.
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LUDIC LOG

WIND-UP WALKING LUCHA LIBRE MASK: I don't really think he's using me to my full capacities. I can wind up and walk, you know? It's what I was specifically designed to do. I can't remember the last time he actually had me do it, since he found out that his cats don't want to play with me. I'm totally underemployed.

JESUS: Yeah, well, join the club. I can roll on wheels, plus my arms move. And he actually gets mad about the wheels, because I roll backwards and fall onto his filthy floor. I'm glad my dad is sending him to Hell after he gets shot in 2007.

MASKED WRESTLER IN SILVER OUTFIT: I think he's dreamy.

YELLOW PLASTIC KANGAROO: I've noticed he tends to lose me a lot. Which is fine with me. Me and the plastic Crusader in his miniature tiki hut have a little thing going, and by the time he gets around to looking for me we've had lots of time to spend together.

SIGMUND FREUD: I'd like to get back to what Masked Wrestler in Silver Outfit said earlier. Do you feel sexually attracted to him?

FRANK THOMAS BOBBLE HEAD DOLL: Hey, man, this is a free agency year. As soon as he invokes the diminished skills clause, I'm out of here. Diminished skills my ass. I'ma use my diminished skills to shove this Louisville Slugger sideways up his dickhole.

METAL BUST OF A SHRINER: Well, I'm kind of heavy, and consequently I fall down a lot on stuff as it's coming out of the printer. But you're not going to hear me complaining; the more attention I get, the better. I'm trying to sell him some life insurance. I don't have any hands and I can't speak or communicate in any way, but at least I've got his eye at least.

GOLDEN APPLE: I have no comment at this time.

GREEN WAX CANDLE IN THE SHAPE OF A BABY DUCK WITH BIG RED LIPS: Oh, Christ. I need medication. Help me. I'm so fucked up. I can't feel anything. My eyes are on fire.

PUDGY HIPSTER: I'm not getting laid until he does, I know that much. I might as well just kill myself right now.

RUBBER BABOON: Aaaaah! Aaaaaah! Shreeeeee! Aaaaaaack! Shreeee!

SUPERHEROS STRAWBERRY DRINK BOTTLE: First, I'm not a toy. I'm a food product. Second, you don't know horror until you've had to watch him typing in the nude. You guys are facing towards the wall. I'm looking right at him, from on top of the TV. Thank God I'm two-dimensional; the guy's put me off sex forever. And third, he's basing that crappy novel he's writing on me, and if you think my parent company, the Supreme Juice Company of Oak Park, Illinois, and I aren't going to sue, you are sadly mistaken.

MINIATURE LATINO GANG MEMBER: He smokes a lot of weed. I like that shit.

MASKED WRESTER IN BLACK OUTFIT WITH FLOWERED CAPE: You're a fag, Masked Wrestler in Silver Outfit. And you got no reason to complain, Pudgy Hipster. You don't have to watch him sleep. His face puffs up like a retarded Poppin Fresh. I wish he'd turn me towards the TV.

PLASTIC FLOWER: I'm a fucking plastic flower. What do you want me to say?

STICKFAS: You have defamed the Beloved Leader! You all must die! Feel the wrath of my realistic-looking automatic weapon toy! How long I have waited for vengeance! Fully poseable vengeance! HA HA HA! Oh, God, I'm lonely.