LUDIC LOG

Fans of my useless LiveJournal, linked to your left under the name of "Skullbucket", are no doubt familiar with the "Adventures in Referral" feature. This is where I comb through the search engine queries that have led people here to the Ludic Log, and break them down into a demographic analysis of the type of individual most likely to be reading my site. The consensus, in case you were wondering, is that the vast majority of people who come here are looking for one of three things:

1. Naked pictures of She-Hulk.

2. Last-minute help on term papers about "Hamlet".

3. Information on how to make Funyuns and Wild Cherry Pepsi at home, to avoid paying those outrageous convenience store markups.

Of course, this is all very amusing, at least if you are me and don't have a lot going on in your life. But recently, it has occurred to me, I could be doing so much more. Instead of merely listing my search engine referrals for the benefit of the six jaded sons-of-bitches who actually read the Ludic Log for its content, why not attempt to actually help out the hapless wanderers who end up here by mistake? There is no reason why not, is why not.

And so, I present to you, for the first and very likely last time ever, "Adventures in Helpfulness", in which I actually attempt to answer some of the search engine queries that have come to me since this time yesterday. I ask you: who else's blog gives this level of service? No bugger, is who. No fucking bugger. Now, where's my book deal?

REFERRAL #1: "blackhawk art steve lightle". Unfortunately, I don't have a scanner, so I can't treat you to the Steve Lightle pic of Bart Hawk from Who's Who. Why not try visiting Steve's home page or dropping him an e-mail? I bet he'd sell you some, and I don't even get a commission.

REFERRAL #2: "famous mobsters". The page on my site entitled "Famous Mobsters" contains no actual information about famous mobsters, but is in fact, as are most other things on my site, an obscure half-joke that's only funny to me. Why not check out Dark Horse's excellent Crime Library?

REFERRAL #3: "DC message board Global Guardians". Okay, the Global Guardians are gone, man. They're dead. Why you would want to be on a message board about them when they were around is beyond me, let alone now that they're gone. However, Fire (formerly Green Flame), late of the Global Guardians, is featured in the brand new and highly amusing Formerly Known as the Justice League, which presumably can be discussed here.

REFERRAL #4: "Asian cocksucker". Now, you have to help me out here. Are you looking for an Asian sucking someone else's cock? An Asian to suck your cock? Are you an Asian who wants to suck cock? Or are you calling me an Asian cocksucker? I want to be of assistance, but you have to meet me halfway.

REFERRAL #5: "racist kids". Whether you want to read about racist kids, whether you have racist kids and you want to make them even more racist, or whether you just want to hire some racist kids to paint your fence, there's no better source that the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Youth Corps!

REFERRAL #6: "withholding sex". This is a very serious topic, and obviously the results are going to vary not only from person to person but from situation to situation. But as for me, I would encourage you to read up on actress Uma Thurman, who has been successfully withholding sex from me for over 30 years.

REFERRAL #7: "bomb bags manufacturer". This referral could be taken one of two ways. The first way, unfortunately, I cannot answer, because of certain provisions in the recently passed USA-PATRIOT Act. The second way, which assumes that you are looking for idiotic novelty gifts, is best answered by referring you to my old arch-enemies, the good people at the Oriental Trading Company of Omaha, Nebraska.

REFERRAL #8: "lady accordion". There are only two women I know who are daring, talented and foolish enough to play the accordion. One is Julie Beth Wood, who I will refer you to since she is lovely and talented and plays in a good band. The other is Non-Downtown Julie Brown, who I will refer you to since she needs all the help she can get.

REFERRAL #9: "history of the geek civilization". Once again, this is something of an ambiguous query. Either it contains a typo, and you're really looking for a history of the Greek civilization -- in which case I direct you here -- or it doesn't contain a typo, in which case this would probably be a good place to start.

REFERRAL #10: "she-hulk naked". All right, already. Here. Now quit bothering me.