LUDIC LOG

Dear M.,

Here it is November already! I can scarcely believe the year has flown by so quickly. It's even harder to believe that it's been over ten years since we first pledged to run for the highest office in the land. Back in those dark days of the early 1990s, when we sat in the smoke-filled student union in between anti-war rallies and talked of how a real change was going to come, little did we know how right we were! The world has changed more than we could ever have imagined. Well, actually, there's still a Bush in the White House, and we're in another war with Iraq, and the economy is in the toilet again. So, fine, I'm wrong about the change.

Anyway, with the Democratic hopefuls already with a significant head start on us, I wanted to write to you assessing our strengths, weaknesses and opponents for the upcoming election. There's no time like the present. I really should have written you about this earlier, but you know how things get. Bleah! Crazy! Am I right? So, time to get serious. If you and I are going to be president and vice-president, respectively, by 2004, we really need to get cracking.

First of all, let's look at our strengths. No better way to start off than with some good news, right? Okay.

STRENGTH #1. We are political outsiders. And not just phony-baloney political outsiders like George W. Bush or H. Ross Perot or David Duke, but real political outsiders with no experience whatsover in governance on even the most microscopic level. We have never held appointed or elected office, we have never been in charge of employees, children or any lifeform more complex than a house pet, and we belong to no political party of any kind, not even our own. So committed are we to our status as maverick independents that neither of us have so much as voted in an election since the mid-1990s.

STRENGTH #2: We are not beholden to big-money interests. I live in a small apartment in Chicago and work at a low-paying, no-skill job at a tool & die plant. You live with your parents and do not work. Neither of us have savings accounts. We barely have enough money to pay our bills. Given these facts, we can certainly not be accused of being in the pockets of the special interests. No one suborned by check-wielding lobbyists would live in the kind of squalor that constitutes our daily life.

STRENGTH #3: We are the youth candidates. In fact, we are so young that I am not legally able to be president, though this will be rectified by the time of our inauguration. And despite our status as the candidates of youthful energy, our lack of formal education will ensure that we do not alienate the working-class voter. I anticipate our opponents pointing out that we are, collectively, in worse health than five men three times our age, but I think we can spin that as sour grapes.

Now, we need to take a realistic look at our weaknesses.

WEAKNESS #1: We have no money. I think this one is pretty self-evident. I know we were planning in campaigning in my wagon, but the "Service Engine Soon" light just came on, and that's going to be a whole big thing, plus if I quit my job I don't know how we're going to afford gas. Your disability check will only go so far.

WEAKNESS #2: We have minimal name recognition. Informal polls conducted by me indicate that our profile is highest among our friends and family members, so they're a given. However, once you get past that, my name recognition is very low, hovering right around 0%, while yours is slightly higher, at just under 1%, among women 29-34 who mistook your name for that of the "Long Island Lolita" of a few years back. Note: I think we should use that.

WEAKNESS #3: Our background is slightly suspect. Between us, we have a fairly extensive record of drug use, criminal convictions (juvenile, misdemeanor and felony), somewhat controversial public statements, and sexual activities which may or may not be illegal but certainly will raise a few eyebrows among Bible Belt voters. I'm not sure how much of this the press is going to dig up, but we should nonetheless be prepared.

Other than those three things, I think we're pretty much golden! So, finally, let's take a look at the competition. (I speak here of the Democractic candidates; as for the incumbent President Bush, while he is a popular wartime president with an aggressive, well-oiled political machine, I really think we can take him with no problem, don't you?)

First of all, we can discount Moseley-Braun and Sharpton right away, because, well, you know. Also, I think that if we just remind people enough times that Lieberman is a Jew, that'll take care of that in no time. Edwards is running way back because people keep confusing him with that TV psychic guy. Gephardt and Kucinich are dead in the water, or at the very least they will be once I get these photos developed. I have it on "good authority" that Clark is going to be assassinated while he's giving testimony at the Hague. And if we just go through with our plans for you to seduce and abandon Howard Dean and me to seduce and abandon Hillary Clinton -- or vice versa, if the rumors turn out to be true -- then that's the two main threats gone right there. Then If things get too hectic with Kerry, I'm going to challenge him to a fistfight, and come on: that's a lock.

So, I think that about wraps it up! I think we can just take the next six months or so off, and I'll fire you another one of these e-mails right around my 35th birthday so we can make it all nice and legal. That only gives us about 3 months to campaign, but by then we'll be running on autopilot. To victory!