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LUDIC LOG

Greetings, Citizen Informer!

We're pleased to have you on board. Since the stalling of the much-maligned (and less-understood) TIPS program by well-meaning but ideologically confused Democrats, the Office of Homeland Security has been searching for a way to incorporate you, the average citizen of the United States of America, into the war on terrorism. Combating terror isn't the privelege or responsibility of an elite few; it's the duty of every man, woman and child in this country. With the formation of the Citizen Informer Department, we think we've found a way to finally get you, and patriotic Americans like you, on board.

By now, you'll have received your CID identification card, your complementary gimme cap, a Junior Informer box kit (featuring EL CID) for your children under 12, and a laminated card with the toll-free number to call in the event that you detect treasonous, seditious or terroristic behavior. You now know, after going through the easy-to-read, fully illustrated training manual, that our great nation is threatened not only by terrorist elements from various foreign lands*, but also from enemies within.

But how to spot these enemies within? How can you be sure there's a spy in your midst? What clues tip you off that the girl next door, the guy at the office, or the man behind the counter at your neighborhood shop is a militant Islamo-fascist bent on the destruction of America? This orientation pamphlet, certified by Homeland Security Director Tom "Terrific" Ridge himself, will give you a few ideas.

1. SONG LYRICS. The days when you could spot a foreign infiltrator by asking him who won the World Series are long gone. Thanks to more sophisticated technology, the proliferation of the internet, and the tireless efforts at increasing international appeal by MLB commissioner Allan "Bud" Selig, baseball is more popular than ever. A quick glance at espn.com on their stolen mobile phone and even the least assimilated Muslim terrorist could convince you that he's an aficionado of America's pasttime. However, in the militant Wahab'bist sect of Islam to which most terrorists belong, music is still forbidden. Ask a potential suspect to, for example, sing you a few bars of Jessica Simpson's catchy "A Little Bit Goes a Long Way", or to reflect with you on the apocalyptic imagery in Don MacLean's timeless classic "American Pie". If they refuse, or are unable to comply with your request, they you've got what's known in the legal profession as 'reasonable doubt'.

2. CELEBRITY IMPERSONATIONS. Profiling of terror suspects has, despite its obvious desirability, provided a maddeningly incomplete picture of the Islamic menace. Sometimes he is male; sometimes he is female. Sometimes he is a young man in a kaffir; sometimes he is an old woman in a burqa. Sometimes he is a robust specimen with greasy hair; sometimes he is an old coot with an eyepatch. He can be black, or brown, or olive-complected, or yellow, or sort of beige, or even almost whitelike. But one element unites all those who would destroy our land and freedom: they are uniformly bad at celebrity impersonations.** The next time you're at a party, a comedy club, a social gathering, or any event in which people might be reasonably expected to perform imitations of well-known figures in the world of entertainment, sports, or current affairs, keep your eye on the one who can't do a good Howard Cosell -- and your hand on your mobile phone.

3. FOREIGN CURRENCY. Aside from the obvious -- anyone holding foreign currency is, de facto, a suspect -- it's easy to spot potential homicide bombers by the possession of currency from any of the Arab League member states. Also suspect are those holding currency, letters of credit, traveller's checks, or mobile phone cards from any of the following nations: India, the Phillipines (or Filipines), China, Germany, Mozambique, or any nation ending in 'stan'. Foreign currency is readily identified: it comes in colors other than green; it is of a non-standard shape or size; its coins have non-circular shapes or holes cut into the center; and it features pictures of people who were never President of the United States of America other than Ben Franklin. If you ever encounter someone who spells the word 'checks' with a 'q', alert the authorities immediately.

4. SPY STUFF. Sometimes, the best clues are the most obvious ones. If, in the course of going through a potential terrorist's belongings, you come across any of the following items, report them at once: code books; copies of the Q'uran, Koran, or Korean; a 'license to kill'; mobile phones; hashish; plastic explosives, Russian-made firearms or broken bottles; quill pens; photographs, autographs or handwritten notes of encouragement from Osama bin-Laden; miniature Saudi, Afghan or Iraqi flags; or detailed private journals that outline plans to commit terrorist acts, or are written in Arabic. Note: voter registration cards are not necessarily cause for suspicion.

Four simple tips. Four simple techniques. It's not much to ask, really; but together, we can save countless American lives.

*: Please consult the Department of Homeland Security's web page (http://www.whitehouse.gov/homeland) for a frequently updated list of hostile foreign governments.

**: The sole exception seems to be that many Islamic terrorists can do a passably good impersonation of former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev.