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LUDIC LOG

It is with great interest that we here at Z-Co have noticed a significant conversational trend amongst the production personnel. It is often from such humble beginnings as the simple daily electronic monitoring of non-work-related discussions between nonsalaried workers that a grand endeavor is hatched. We in the Human Capital department hope that the plan we spell out below is one such grand endeavor.

As you are no doubt aware, management monitors all conversations amongst the floor crew strictly as a matter of coure. Using concealed listening beacons, as well as our highly successful network of "Mr. Friendly" shopfloor informants, we have identified and isolated numerous incidents of anti-management sentiment, unnecessary downtime, potential unionization and deviation from the Mission Statement. In all cases, the appropriate action was taken and the company incurred cost savings that have significantly contributed to our most recent earnings report. However, the conversational thread to which we refer is a seemingly more innocuous one -- but one which has spurred members of Team Efficiency towards an exciting new action plan that we hope will boost production, cut back on wasteful labor-management clashes, and move Z-Co in a bold new direction that will place us at the vanguard of the industry.

The thread to which we refer is the tendency of unskilled and semi-skilled employees to make frequent conversational references to apes, monkeys and other members of the simian family. Since only middle and upper management were consulted in the creation of the Corporate Culture Handbook, we are unclear on the reason for this; but the fact remains that, for reasons known only to themselves, members of the production team are wont to use such primatological references in their daily attempts to avoid doing their jobs. Some examples would include "company monkey" (a derisive term used by some of the unrulier workers in Shipping to refer to an employee who displays great zeal in his work); "monkey work" (a term, central to our proposal, that refers to the repetitive unskilled manual labor of production); "ape" (a derisive term for a clumsy or unintelligent employee), and "monkey boy" (a phrase, the meaning of which is unclear, often repeated by the nonconformists in the cutting room -- a group, if we may be allowed an editorial comment, whose hiring constitutes a major oversight on the part of the Personell Department).

All of these references placed the germ of an idea in the minds of the creatives here at Efficiency Central. If, indeed, as the non-salaried folklore has it, the jobs of production employees could be performed by trained chimpanzees, why has this appealing notion never been explored? Perhaps it's because the dedicated minds and enterpreneurian spirits of Z-Co Human Capital have never been brought to bear on the problem.

Simply put, we suggest that 70% of the production staff (see attached breakdown) be permanently downsized and their positions filled by apes, gorillas, chips, orang-utans, gibbons and other tool-using primates. These animals will, of course, undergo a thorough but cost-effective program of job training, goal-setting workshops, morale team-building sessions and corporate culture seminars, and will them immediately replace the displaced human workers. The benefits of such a move are obvious.

* Primates cannot speak, read, write or communicate in any known human language. This would not only eliminate nonproductive downtime, but would preclude the filing of grievances, complaints or worker's compensation claims.

* Primates are eligible for neither health care coverage nor union membership.

* Unlike humans, monkeys and apes need not be paid unemployment insurance benefits if they are dismissed. In fact, an unproductive simian employee may be destroyed and used for medical experimentation in one of our biotech subsidiaries -- an option unavailable with human workers.

* Obviously, simians need not receive a salary or hourly pay of any kind, and may be obtained at very reasonable rates of purchase that would affect a startlingly high long-term savings (see attached projection).

* Although primates will likely copulate on the shop floor, causing temporary spikes in production downtime, the subsequent offspring may be seized and put to work on the line or the floor immediately without fear of violating child labor laws.

* Apes and monkeys are not subject to OSHA health requirements; they will work 12- to 14-hour days; they require less janitorial and nutritional upkeep than their human equivalents; they need be paid no bonuses, raises or social security entitlements; they are not eligible for pensions or retirement benefits; and most importantly, they are officially considered property of the company. This means not only that we can actually make money (via insurance) if they are damaged or stolen, but also that we will have a strong legal foothold should we get the expected flak from animal rights activists.

We feel that the benefits listed above, as well as many other that will immediately suggest themselves, far outweigh the possible negatives. The ASPCA will almost surely file suite, but our legal advisors have come to the conclusion that, as was said in another notable labor decision, simians have no rights that the potential employer is bound to respect. The sort of busybodies who are always kicking up a fuss about any successful and innovative business venture can be safely neutralized with a judicious public relations campaign (the costs of which will be recouped in the first week of primate-driven production).

It's about time that the production economy gets its shot at what the agrarian economy has gotten for centuries: free, endless labor from a pliant workforce that cannot complain about conditions -- and, what's more, can be killed and, if possible, eaten if its useful productive life comes to an end. We thank you for your attention.