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LUDIC LOG

As an occassional service to the readers of the Ludic Log, we present short summaries of the major political and philosophical theories that have influenced our society to date. Enjoy.

ANARCHISM. It is the contention of anarchists, at least the ones who aren't actively foaming at the mouth, that all forms of authority and government are harmful, and that all men, as well as selected women and ethnic minorities, should be free to define the law for themselves. The more absolute forms of anarchism argue that anyone should have license to do whatever they please, only more so, if you follow me. It has been said that the only country where anarchy would work is Fantasyland; the error of this statement becomes obvious when you consider that the actual Fantasyland at Disneyland in Anaheim, CA, is much closer to a totalitarian fascist state than it is an anarchist paradise. The closest you come to an effecting anarchist state are the parking lots of fast food restaurants located near large high schools. Anarchism was popularized by 19th-century immigrant labor agitators (who used its principles to get themselves unjustly executed) and 20th-century punk rock musicians (who used its principles as a pretext to spit at one another). One of the major works of the anarchist canon is French cryptosocialist Pierre Prudhon's What is Property? To save you the trouble of reading this book, which has none of the verve of the cookbooks popularized by Pierre's gregarious grandson Paul, the answer is: (a) theft; (b) freedom; (c) impossible; and (d) apparently not well-understood by French cryptosocialists. When you further consider that one of the leading lights of anarchist thought was named Kropotkin, that pretty much says it all for anarchism.

ASTROLOGY. Astrology is the belief that by forecasting the motion and interaction of planets and other celestial bodies, it is possible to predict the future of persons born under a certain 'star sign'. Anthropomancy is the belief that by poking around in blackened animal intestines with a rusty needle, it is possible to predict the future of persons who are willing to sit around and watch you do this. Although these two theories are based on identical principles, the latter has never gained sufficient popularity to rate a daily column in major metropolitan newspapers. Astrology, like cocaine, is very comforting to many people, and tends to simplify one's life a great deal. There is also a certain psychological comfort in knowing that every single person born in the same 28-day period will all have the exact same thing happen to them on the same day no matter what. The life of a professional astrologer is a difficult one; there are not only all the star-charts to prepare and the natal and astronomical data to collate and traject, but in addition, one must be able to say "avoid stressful situations on the 28th" in hundreds of different ways. However, it is ultimately a rewarding practice that gives legitimate, watertight guidance to billions of people, and is done only by sober professionals dedicated to their science, who never, ever made things up.

BEHAVIORISM. Behaviorism (as opposed to the similar, but wrong, theory of behavioralism, and to the European practice of behaviourism), as first formulated or formularized by the American psychologist J.B. Watson, expanded upon by the Russian rodent-sadist Bekhterev, and popularized by the maniacal Harvard graduate and part-time supervillain B.F. Skinner, sees intelligent behavior as a series of learned responses to external stimuli which leads frequently to subconscious conditioning. Florid semantics aside, this means that if you lace bananas with a large quantity of regurgitant (as did Columbia's brilliant behaviorist Hobby in a groundbreaking experiment), laboratory monkeys will cease to willingly accept them. Hobby's later experiments vindicated the theory resoundingly when he discovered that his friends and family, having been conditioned to associate his presence with tedious prattlings about psychology, would flee the area when he approached. Behaviorism, like torture and unlike most other forms of psychology, works; however, it has met with notable failures of praxis, most infamously the career of Celine Dion and the popularity of jogging. However, while it may not be the universal psychological tonic it was once promised to be, it is a rewarding pasttime for those who have a large escape-proof pit, and electric cattle prod, and a healthy baby in their home.

CAPITALISM and COMMUNISM. Under capitalism, the means of production and distribution of goods are owned by a small private sector which operates them as they see fit for reasons of profit. It has been said that the upshot of this system is that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, but, like most aphorisms, this contains a faulty generalization. As recently evidenced by the airline bailouts and the stock market crises, the rich, just like the poor, can often make bad financial decisions and become, if not actually poor, at least temporarily less rich than before, until the government takes money from non-rich people to bail them out. This is to ensure that there is not a disproportionate number of poor people, but a relatively stable number of both rich and poor (although the poor are at this point much poorer than previously, there are still essentially the same number of them). This is why capitalism works.

Conversely, aside from a small number of non-caucasoid persons such as Cubans and Chinamen, no one has yet been able to locate actual communists; therefore, information on the theory is spotty at best. Historical research, however, seems to indicated that their primary activities included stealing state secrets, being treacherous, plotting world conquest and/or destruction, infiltrating the State Department and the film industry, and forcing infants to become addicted to crack cocaine. I think it is the communists doing all of this, although perhaps in fact it is the negroes. The literature is blurry in spots. At any rate, clearly both groups are degenerate failures and should be, like all theories and praxes at odds with capitalism, be avoided at all costs.