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LUDIC LOG
11.26.2004

It is one of our nation's most beloved political traditions:  the annual "pardoning" of a Thanksgiving turkey by the President of the United States.  Each year, in a ceremony that some find amusing and enjoyable, the president is presented with a wildly squawking and flapping turkey, who he then "pardons", allowing it to live out a natural life while the rest of the country gorges itself on tryptophan.  The press corps, along with many Americans, look forward to this ceremony as a harbinger of the holiday season as well as a quaint, kindly, even humane gesture by our highest leader; others prize the event as a rare moment of humanity and even good humor on the part of the president, an amusing break from the often-bitter norm of partisan sniping.

But the world wouldn't be laughing if they knew the truth:  the pardoned turkeys are often the scum of the earth, hardened criminal fowl who were sentenced to die for good reasons.  A staggering 56% of all turkeys who receive a presidential pardon go on to commit further crimes, often more egregious than the ones for which they were originally sentences; recidivism is the rule, not the exception, for these Willie Hortons of the flightless game bird community.  Just take a look at the shameful legacies of some of this horrific 'tradition':

Tom Tit, pardoned 2002 by President George W. Bush.  Only three weeks after his pardon, he went on a three-farm crime spree, and taking the lives of three of his fellow turkeys and a guinea hen in an indescribably brutal pecking rampage.

Trypty, pardoned 1978 by President James Earl Carter.  This habitual sex offender was granted a new lease on life after being sentenced to face the electric range and immediately fell back into his old habits:  over the next six years, he forcibly mated with, impregnated and abandoned over four dozen hens, leaving them traumatized with not a hint of remorse.  Depsite repeated warnings of his past sexual offenses, Carter pardoned him anyway.

Josef Gobbles, pardoned 1947 by President Harry S Truman.  His pardon was only a temporary reprieve; this barnyard recidivist was soon recaptured after a series of farm invasions and sentenced to death once more.  But even after his execution, his crimes continued:  transformed post-mortem into a turkey loaf, Gobbles provided the nutrients, strength and energy needed for legendary bank robber Bill "Needles" Garugin to break out of prison and relieve eight banks in Florida and Georgia of their cash deposits.


Old Man McFeathers, pardoned 1982 by President Ronald Wilson Reagan.  Given a second chance by the misguided and short-sighted pardon program, McFeathers returned again and again over the next six years as the regular pardoned turkey, inspiring Reagan to tell the same stupid story (about the time he was carving a turkey and cut his finger) again and again and again.

Turkey, pardoned 1911 by President William Howard Taft.  One of the first pardoned turkeys of the 20th century, Turkey showed its gratitude at being spared by embarking on a program of genocidal mass murder against the Armenians.

For the sake of all humanity, end the turkey pardon program.  With violent criminal birds, it's eat or be eaten.
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