LUDIC LOG

Good evening, Legally Sanctified Mr. and Mrs. America and all the yachts afloat! Let's go to press!

STAY THE COURSE, BIG GEORGE!

In the face of quaverings and waverings by the nation's sissy contingent, our Mr. President has vowed to remain firm! Communicating to an eager nation through one of his many handy spokesmen, the Crawford Crawdad reiterated his commitment to stay in Iraq for as long as the winds are blowing. But in a stunning blow to naysayers, President Bush vowed that our brave men and women in uniform would be out of the woods -- or rather the desert -- by next July at the latest, at which time the good people of Iraq will be given the opportunity to vote for the governing council we have already selected for them! Democracy, like capitalism, is all about choice (unless, of course, you choose some crazy Muslim fanatics! Right, Abdul?), and who knows how to choose better than the good ol' U.S. of A.? After all, we've been choosing our own leaders for well over 200 years! Sounds like we could teach a thing or two about self-governance to those wacky Iraqis -- and we have! The kind of Nellie Ne'er-do-wells that you won't hear on this broadcast are already reaching deep into their complaint-buckets, claiming that once we pull out and the fires of war have cooled, no one will care whether or not the elections East of the Border are on the up-and-up. To that, we say: what cool's that, Mac? See you in Syria!

TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT, AMERICA!

In other news from the Eastern front, our heroic hunks and honeys in the service repelled a dastardly dash by the mean Feyadeen today in the northern part of Iraq! It seems our bold and burly boys had an appointment in Samarra to deliver some of the spiffy new Iraqi currency to the legitimately appointed interrim leadership prior to its being handed out to the hard-working Halliburton crews. Always looking for a quick drachma, some of the black-clad blackguards tried a good old-fashioned ambush rather than earning the money by working for one of the many honest American companies who have recently set up shop in the land of Nod. Hey, Saddamites: get a job! In the fierce fighting that ensued, Sunni Jim proved that when you take away his terror toys, he can't win a fair fight: the final tally was over sixty Iraqi dead compared to a big goose-egg for our soldiers! Hey, peaceniks: 66-0 is a blowout no matter where you learned to count! The cowardly kaffiyehs who survived had their shamed faces covered with hand black sacks and were led away for what we all hope will be a fruitful interrogation session. Go get 'em, boys! A few of the anti-American animals of Samarra, who are take to complaining like the average Arab takes to spooning with his camel, claimed that the American soldiers fired indiscriminately, that most of the casualties were civilians, and that the official U.S. tallies of the Iraqi dead were grossly inflated. Well, who are you gonna believe, Legally Sanctified Mr. and Mrs. America -- your own military or some clotheaded clown who doesn't even speak English? Listen, Mohammed: you may have invented the numerals, but leave the counting to us. As if those whoppers weren't enough, the dingbat desert-dwellers pointed to a demolished building and spun the whopper that it was a kindergarten that had been blown to bits by American tank shells. Hey, professor, what's a kindergarten doing in the middle east? Last I checked, they were German! Ach du Lieber!

GOT 'EM THE FIRST TIME!

In our last "War: Fair Forever" newsreel item of the day, it was with mixed emotions and a slight nostalgic tear in our cameraman's eye that we recorded the suspension of the National Security Entry-Exit Registration System's provision that men and boys from twenty-five terrorist nations must register multiple times with the Department of Homeland Security. While we're always happy to see government streamline itself, and the sweetest sound in the world is the silence of sillibating civil libertarians, we had to shed a trickle of regret that this useful program was being shut down when there's so many more brown clowns of renowns still missing from our police records. However, a brief chat with Asa Hutchinson, the sassy, sexy Undersecretary for Border and Transportation Security, put our heavy heads to rest: he told this reporter, not without a swell of pride, that NSEER will simply be replacing the provision, starting next month, with a new foreigner-registration program, thus making the old one redundant! And with USA-PATRIOT II on the way, the Supreme Court set to allow Mr. American Law Enforcement to kidnap dangerous foreigners, and lots of new space opening up at beautiful downtown Gitmo, there's less to worry about now than ever! Enjoy that alert symbol, Legally Sanctified Mr. and Mrs. America: yellow is the color of safety!