LUDIC LOG

"Ho! Ho! Ho! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

"Merry, uh, happy holidays to you too, Santa!"

"Boy, you're a big fella, aren't you?"

"I guess."

"How old are you, young man?"

"Thirty-three."

"Isn't that a little old to be up on Santa's lap?"

"Well, I never had a chance when I was a kid. I figured now is the time. Anyway, I wanted to talk a few things over, you know, kind of hash things out, and there's probably nobody for whom Christmas is more important than you and me."

"Uh..."

"Easter's pretty important for me too, but man, you just can't talk to that bunny. All he does is grin like a moron."

"What, er, what do you want for Christmas, young fella?"

"I really just want to talk. I mean, if you have a few minutes."

"There's a lot of other children waiting, actually."

"Because I know this is a time that a lot of people like to hang out with their families, but I've just never been able to do it. This should be the happiest time of year for me, and all I can think about is how sour my relationship with Dad is."

"There's a lot of suicide around this time of year, I heard."

"Oh, no. I'm not going through that again. Actually, that's part of the problem. I guess...it's not really that I blame Dad for what happened. I sort of brought it on myself. But how you could just stand by and let something like that happen to your only son...is it any wonder I haven't talked to him in so long?"

"Yeah, it can be rough. I haven't seen my kid in a while either."

"Two thousand years?"

"Okay, not that long."

"So I guess what I want for Christmas is some stability."

"Uh..."

"Some reconciliation."

"Uh..."

"Some admission on both sides that there's been hurt feelings, and recriminations, and crucifixions."

"How about a PlayStation?"

"That's not going to fill the void in my heart, man."

"Kid."

"Jesus!"

"What? What'd I say?"

"No. That's my name."

"Oh. Okay. Look, er, Jesus, I'm just a department store Santa. It sounds like you need a family therapist or something."

"I guess you're right."

"Plus, you're totally hurting my lap."

"Well."

"What? Look, there's kids lining up."

"Can I get a lollipop?"

"What flavor?"

"Do you have halvah?"

"Get off of me."