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LUDIC LOG

"You know that scene in 'Killer Hillis'?"

"Which one?"

"The one where they're going down the train tracks, in opposite directions, shooting."

"Oh, the John Woo rip-off."

"Right. Well, do you know what music they're playing on the soundtrack?"

"No."

"It's Bloody Dierag."

"No shit? Which song?"

"It's 'Ruth or Consequences'."

"Oh, man, that's awesome. Off the Cheese for Jewsus record, right?"

"That's the one."

"Hey, speaking of which, that guy from Melinda Suicide is in the new Byron Kolar novel."

"What do you mean, in it?"

"He's actually in the novel. As a character."

"Oh, that's so cool! That reminds me of when the They did that song cycle about Harlan Baldridge. Did you ever hear that?"

"Tommy?"

"...what?"

"I can't do this anymore."

"What?"

"I've never even heard of Harlan Baldridge."

"Seriously? The guy who wrote the Spiral Arm trilogy? Dude, you seriously should read it. It's excellent. Anyway, the They did this whole song cycle based on his books, and..."

"I've never listened to the They, either."

"What? You told me the other day that Shuffling Toward Gotham was one of your favorite records."

"I know. I know! I was just saying that so you wouldn't think I was lame."

"Oh, jeez. Why would you...that's so...look, it's no big deal. You like Horkemada, right? The They is a lot like them."

"Do you like Horkemada?"

"Sure. I mean, they're no Plasticle, but they're..."

"That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about."

"What?"

"See, I've basically been bullshitting you this whole time."

"What whole time? About what?"

"The whole four months since we met. About everything."

"Everything?"

"Well, not everything. Not at first. But, I mean, you started to name-check all these directors and bands and books and shit, and I wanted you to think I was cool, so I would say that I'd heard of them. You know, just play along."

"Oh, Rick."

"I've never heard of Bloody Dierag. I've never seen 'Killer Hillis'. I haven't even seen any movies based on Nick Franzosi's novels, let alone read one of his books."

"I...I never..."

"But, see, here's the thing. I'm pretty sure I made up Horkemada."

"Uh...what?"

"Well, you know. To keep my end of the coversation going, I'll just make up shit a lot of the time. The Blandell Brothers, Shadow of the Circulator, 'Face Time' magazine. I made all that up."

"Er."

"And I'm pretty sure I made up Horkemada too, but it's hard to keep track."

"Man."

"I'm sorry, dude. I'm really sorry."

"I just can't believe it."

"I know."

"No, seriously. Because I've...I've been doing the same thing?"

"No shit?"

"No shit. Since at least mid-October."

"Oh, man! That's excellent!"

"Yeah."

"What a relief!"

"No kidding."

"I'm so happy to finally get it off my chest."

"Uh huh."

"Heh."

"Hmmm."

"Yep."

"..."

"So..."

"Uh..."

"What do you wanna do this weekend?"

"I dunno."

"Do you wanna see a movie?"

"What's showing?"

"That new Carlo Semini flick. Sin-Eaters."

"Dude, quit fucking with me."

"All right. You wanna just stay here, get wasted and watch 'Friends'?"

"Cool."