LUDIC LOG

Since the debut of Radical Chic in the early 1970s, the smart set has been keenly attuned to one fast fashion fact: the must-have accesory no matter what the season isn't a handbag, a shawl or that all-too-clever pair of shoes. The showpiece that will really get you noticed in the marketplace of ideas is the minority du jour.

Whether it was cultivating a "some of my best friends" black in the Panther days, having a lettuce-free garden party for Cesar Chavez in the sexy seventies, or showing off your freshly minted boat baby in the 1980s, an ethnic acquaintance has always been the way to show you're sensitive, streetwise and sassy. And the DeLorean of diversity didn't just turn to the left: conservatives get the message too, and while cozying up to tax-sensitive Hebrews like Norman Podhoretz has given way to tres-chic tokenism in the mud-people person of Linda Chavez, Michelle Malkin, Dinesh D'Souza and J.C. Watts, the joys of repping the dark side haven't lost a bit of frisson.

Today's modern, now, a-go-go fashionista knows that it's still the thing to do to have a convenient ethnic stashed in the closet for when you really want to dress to impress. As any dedicated follower of fashion knows, there's no need to make a commitment: you, sister, don't have to marry one, any more than you need to have a civil union ceremony for that smart Prada bag. But it's still handsome and handy to keep them around for when you want to show off your tolerant fabulosity.

So what's this season's favorite flavor? Why, it's a hint of chickpea, sesame and olive oil: there's no ethnos sexier than the Arab these days! Transgressiveness is the name of the game when you're dressed to repress, and no one crosses sovereign borders more than the Beasts from the Middle East. As you know, I'm half-Arab myself -- the sexy half, and as such, I'm at least 50% more qualified than other fashion mavens to give you advice on how to cultivate a 'rab for your rags.

WHERE DO I FIND AN ARAB?

Killing an Arab may be fine and dandy for French existentialists, British gloom-rock bands, and American presidents, but what we're concerned with is finding one alive and well to accompany us to all the best parties, readings and clubs. So where are these naughty nomads most likely to be found? Unfortunately, restrictive immigration policies that followed the Great Unpleasantness have led to a dearth of these gentlemen and ladies of worth. Generally, the Arab is not found in the smart set: he is a shy and reticent figure, governed by faith, passion and force and capable of understanding only the most forceful command. As such, he is most likely to be found in the front seat of taxis. Slipping him a substantial tip, saying a few kind words about Allah, or asking to see his Hand of Fatima pendant is a good way to break the ice with your Semitic sweetie-to-be; and it can't hurt to make heard a discouraging word about those wicked, wicked Israelis. If he still seems reticent, I cannot recommend highly enough that you always carry with you a forged identification card marking you as an operative of the Central Intelligence Agency, the Federal Bureau of Investigations, or the Immigration and Naturalization Service. If he's not talking to you after that, he can't talk!

Other places where the Arab, Arab-American or American Arab can be found are behind the counter at convenience stores, in the employ of high-tech firms, behind the counter at donut shops, in those funny buildings on the north side of town that look sort of like they belong in Red Square, behind the counter at tobacconists, beneath very heavy black veils, or in front of the counter at the Department of Homeland Security.

HOW DO I BEFRIEND AN ARAB?

Arabs are just like anyone else. In fact, they're just like you and me, except that they speak in a hysterical ullulating gibberish, worship a bloodthirsty demon-god of death, and plot the downfall of Western civilization. This is why we must always fear them; but more importantly, this is also why we must accessorize with them and present them proudly, if briefly, at our dinner parties.

Given these similarities, one befriends an Arab the same way one befriends a normal human being: by buying them an expensive present, bestowing upon them sexual favors, and feigning an interest in their inane chatterings. Arabs, like all primitive people, are immediately drawn to shiny things, so buy them a watch, a gold chain, or a big ring. (No picture frames!) The sexual favors will be easier than you think: contrary to popular myth, Arabs are not greasy or slimy and are in fact quite clean if they are devout Muslims and you fellate them during wudhu. It's Mexicans who are greasy and Jews who are slimy. And don't worry about their blathering: it's not as if you'll understand what they're saying, anyway.

WHAT DO I SAY TO AN ARAB?

It's no surprise, given their desert upbringing, that your typical Arab is a hot-blooded type. Years of soaking up the desert sun, getting pushed around by Allah, and having their heads kicked in by the Israeli Defence Forces have made them prickly, sticky (though not slimy: see above) and overly sensitive. There are, therefore, certain subjects you should not breach if you wish your prize Arabian stallion to remain in show form. Here are a few things not to say:

- "Boy, you sure don't hear much from F. Murray Abraham these days."

- "If Muhammed is so great, how come there aren't any pictures of him?"

- "So, did you know any of those hijackers personally?"

- "I don't care if someone is Jewish, Islamic, or Christian, just so long as they'll share a nice shank of ham with me."

- "That Osama bin-Laden is a hottie, am I right?"

- "Okay, okay, already! We get it, Palestinians are cranky! Get over it! Sheesh."

- "I have a deep respect for all the Arab peoples -- Iranians, Pakistanis, Afghans, the whole bunch."

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It's really just that simple! With little more than a kind word, a willingness to get into cabs via the front door, and a highly suppressed sense of shame, you too can cultivate an Arab friend, and have the hottest, hippest, most hair-raising accessory on the block! So until we declare war on Nigeria and Africans become trendy again, al-sala'am aleichem, effendi!