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LUDIC LOG

Fellow Alumni,

I write you this personal letter in a great time of crisis! Normally, as you know, I am hesistant to resort to such tactics as begging letters, a practice I feel is more naturally suited to members of the Democratic Party. However, the entire existence of the UCLA Young Conservatives organization is in peril!

As you know, I have been affiliated with the Young Conservatives since -- well, since I was a young conservative! Well, now I'm not so young (although I was recently carded at the Library bar, which is pretty flattering for a weathered but boyish fellow of 41), but I'm just as conservative as the day I donated my bar mitzvah money to the Orange County Republican Party. Forsaking an extremely promising career as a conservative columnist, I decided to stay behind after graduation (or what would have been graduation, if it hadn't been for the flagrant smear campaign and grade manipulation of the PC Mafia on campus) and devote my life to ensuring the intellectual fairness and political justice of my beloved alma mater. Hardly a day goes by when I'm not gratified at seeing one of the new crop of freshmen (especially the girls!) point at me from across the quad. When I see their smiling faces as they whisper to their friends about my many victories in the lonely war against liberal indoctrination, I know I made the right choice.

But my vital mission is in jeopardy! Sure, I may be a campus legend -- many a classroom or rec hall get-together has exploded into inspirational applause and hooting when I make one of my frequent impromptu appearances on campus to decry the crimes of the left and socialize with the hope of future generations -- but reputation alone can't pay the bills, and neither can my sporadic work as a fact-checker for the Kiplinger Report. And now, more than ever, I need financial assistance -- and not the kind of financial assitance given to privileged minorities at the expense of hardworking, honest white students, but the kind that will allow me to continue spreading a message of hope to the disenfranchised conservative on campus!

As you're no doubt aware from previous letters, my groundbreaking lawsuit against Mayor Fernandez is incurruing a large number of legal bills. Some would urge that I drop the case; after all, most of my witnesses have either been intimidated into not testifying by bullying liberal watchdogs or have mysteriously withdrawn their support, claiming that they were "drunk" or "high" or "not even a student here", and other such flimsy excuses. But am I ready to give up? Never! Should our "honorable mayor be allowed to get away with spray-painting 'ZIONIST DEATH MERCHANT' on the side of my '13 Chrysler, simply because proving it in a court of law would be expensive? Does the fact that the "only witnesses" were other members of the UCLA Young Conservatives, who for various reasons have been unable to corroborate my story, lessen the enormity of her liberal hate crime? I think not!

My friends, 2025 is proving to be a key year for the Republican party. We've lost control of the Senate, the presidency is in the hands of a liberal do-nothing, and we're losing the Supreme Court to age, infirmity and Ronald Reagan's Disease. But I am not going to lie down and surrender! I was the man who discovered that Sen. Ron "Crackhead" Hampton was a reverse-racist. I was the man who broke the story about Rep. Ted Hamilton sticking a banana in my tailpipe. And I was the man who exposed liberal 'journalist' Leo Broadlee as a repeat user of the word "cracker". The fact that the liberal media, political establishment and justice system were afraid to give my exposes a fair hearing didn't stop me then, and it won't stop me now!

While the time is right, while the iron is hot, while the paint is still fresh on my car: give what you can. The honesty, fair play and straight-shooting the right is known for can continue in a time of crisis, or it can end up like the late, lamented Andrew Sullivan -- crushed to death under the girth of a gigantic transexual street prostitute. The choice is yours.

-- Ben