LUDIC LOG

LL: Well, first of all, thanks for doing this interview with us. It's an exclusive, you know, your first face-to-face since your capture, and we're really quite honored you picked our little website for an interview of such importance.

SH: It's cool, man. It's cool.

LL: I mean, you could easily have gone with CNN or al-Jazeera or Fox News...

SH: Forget it, man. That Brit Hume really rubs me the wrong way, you know? Anyway, I dig the whole blog thing, like I'm really into that one guy Alterman and Maud Newton and what's his name, the kid from Star Trek, plus, I figured since you were a Muslim...

LL: I'm not a Muslim.

SH: You're not?

LL: No. Sorry.

SH: Well, never mind. Live and learn. You did a good job with Sally Timms, anyway.

LL: Okay. Well, I guess, my first question is, how are you feeling?

SH: I feel good. I feel strong. I'm in fighting shape, I got over the butterflies, I'm ready to go. It's amazing what a good shave can do.

LL: I have to say, you're remarkably upbeat given the circumstances.

SH: The way I read it, I win this fight and I'm right back on top again.

LL: Fight?

SH: With Bush.

LL: I'm afraid the war is pretty much over. Your army is scattered, the...

SH: No, no, man. The fistfight.

LL: The what?

SH: I get to challenge Bush to a fistfight, and if I win, I take over America.

LL: What? Where did you hear that?

SH: What do you mean? That's a no-go? I thought it was an American tradition.

LL: No. I've never heard anything like that in my life.

SH: Shit. Man, don't believe what you hear in Kevin Costner movies. Believe me, if you'd asked me ten years ago, "Saddam, if you were stuck in a hole in the ground with a portable DVD player and only one movie to watch, what would it be?", I can assure you my answer wouldn't have been The Postman. But you just don't get to pick this stuff. That's what they don't tell you.

LL: It must have been difficult living in that pit.

SH: See, that's a whole American propaganda thing. It's not a pit. It's an efficiency. Housing in Tikrit is in the shitter since you guys showed up. We can't all live at the fuckin' Holiday Inn, you know.

LL: Sorry.

SH: Ah, nobody's blamin' ya.

LL: Some people were surprised at the possessions you had with you when you were captured. Weapons, a briefcase, a couple of new shirts...

SH: I like to look presentable, man. Call it vanity if you will.

LL: $750,000 in one hundred dollar bills...

SH: Chump change, man. I run this internet gambling site.

LL: A lot of people were suprised by the Christmas decorations.

SH: Oh, I know it's corny, but I'm a sucker for that stuff. I always get all mushy around the holidays. I was actually growing out the beard because I wanted to play Santa at the Maple Acres shopping mall in Mosul this year, but the Army barbers kinda shit all over that dream.

LL: A lot of heavy charges are being leveled at you these days. You're not the most popular guy in Iraq right now.

SH: I'm more popular than George Bush.

LL: Fair enough. But you're looking at possible accusations of war crimes, genocide, crimes against humanity...

SH: Seriously, man. Running a country is a trying business. Everyone I know has committed war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity at one point or another. Am I right, folks? Huh? What, are we gonna start locking people up for murder next? I mean, Jesus! Clear out some cells, is what I'm saying!

LL: Any plans for the future?

SH: I wanna see that Lord of the Rings movie.

LL: I meant more long-term.

SH: When does Spider-Man 2 open?

LL: Political plans. Political.

SH: Well, I ain't too worried. No court's gonna convict me. I'm gonna get Johnny Cochrane and what's his name, that Jew lawyer. "If the beard is shaved, my man is saved", some shit like that.

LL: You really think you can pull it off?

SH: Dude, I had seven hundred and fifty grand in a bucket.

LL: Point taken.