LUDIC LOG

Hello, Chicago, and hello America. Welcome to December 16th...

The other day, I was chairing a conference on women's health issues at the Greater Chicago Wellness Collective, and happened to hear some ill-tempered grumblings from the more 'radical' members about the seemingly inequitable fact that more money is spent on finding a cure for male impotence than is spent on breast cancer research. I responded to the 'ladies' by asking what I thought was a rhetorical question: what's the point of having a full set of tits if they can't do what they're designed to do -- namely, give men big woodies? As is the contrarian nature of such negative Nellies, they countered that it was more than women's breasts that is lost to cancer; it is often their very lives. "Look," I explained, never losing my trademark cool, "if your man can't get stiff, you might as well be dead anyway." Amazingly, I was shouted down by the group...

Let me make it perfectly clear that I'm against tit cancer...

It's a real pity that in today's lowest common denominator, who-cares-about-quality-as long-as-I-can-get-it-cheap world, crack babies often end up having to suck on rocks of inferior, low-grade institutional crack. There's such a lack of funding for the crack baby wards of public hospitals that as often as not, innocent children are forced to smoke this bargain-basement 'caine through a crudely assembled pipe made of industrial tubing found in the janitor's closet instead of through a high-quality, professionally made infant crack pipe. That's why the Ludic Log is donating five cents out of every dollar we make selling Ludic Log merchandise, horse tranquilizers and contraceptive foam in amusing novelty colors and scents to the Berry Bush Growth Program for low-income crack babies...

Please write to the address below for more information on the 'Give a Crap for Crack' initiative...

Say, folks, if you're having a birthday party, why not call my friend Birthday Ed? Birthday Ed plays children's parties, old folks' homes, office celebrations, county fairs, debutante balls, and all other social functions. He's no longer bound by any restraining orders, so why not give him a holler? Birthday Ed is six hundred and twenty eight pounds of fun wrapped in a pair of brown trousers, a striped Spandex half-shirt, a bowler hat, a pair of surgical gloves and mismatched Chuck Taylors. He dances, he sings, and he makes up poems on the spot that some people find amusing. Birthday Ed, who I met during the course of my prison ministry, truly lives up to the slogan 'He's fat, he's fun, he's number one'. And best of all, it's only twenty dollars for a two-hour performance, and only a bit more for 'personal time' with Birthday Ed...

And I'm sure compensated endorser Dallas Cowboys Quarterback would agree with me...

If you're like most people, you're at a loss about where to take your kids over the holidays. Malls are no longer safe; they're filled with roving gangs and so-called 'charities' who are always begging you for the last of your hard-earned dollars to go to some darkies. The local park is a desolate wasteland of junkies, foreigners, child molesters and atheists. Church is no good; 94% of all ministers and priests are convicted pederasts. And forget about Little League or soccer; it's a known fact that 3 our of 4 coaches are alcoholic psychopaths who have killed a child within 12 hours of game time. And if you're the kind of person who lets your child be babysat by the TV, which fills innocent minds with violent pornography and drug abuse, then buddy, I feel sorry for you. But there's still plenty of fun to be had, because the Monkey Fucker Circus is in town. In these times when amusement parks are dens of Satanists and the mall Santa, like as not, is an ethnic mobster, it's nice to know you can still experience the simple thrill of the Monkey Fucker Circus. Nothing makes a family come together like seeing a truckload of chimps, apes, gorillas and orang-utans fucking the shit out of each other for three full hours. The Monkey Fucker Circus is the only attraction in America that gives you the kind of fun and entertainment that can only be provided by two busses full of cooped-up monkeys pumped full of Spanish fly...

Tickets available at TicketMaster...