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LUDIC LOG

"Hello?"

"Is this Whitey?"

"It's Whitney."

"Oh. The ad said..."

"Yeah, that was a typo. So you're calling about the ad?"

"It's for real?"

"Yep."

"Hitler's head. In a jar."

"Just like it says."

"You're selling Hitler's head in a jar."

"It's part of his neck, too. You also get the fluid in the jar. I mean, I don't know what it is, or anything, so I didn't list it."

"This is really Hitler."

"That's what it says in the ad, pal."

"Adolf Hitler. The leader of the Nazi Party. History's greatest monster."

"I guess so. It says 'Hitler' on the jar. It looks like they guy they show on the History Channel. I work at a gas station, not a library"

"How did you get it?"

"I found it."

"Oh, come on."

"Seriously! Some guy must have left it at the gas station. Nobody claimed it after 30 days, so I took it home. That's our policy. It says right on the policy. I can show you."

"And you're selling this. You're selling Hitler's head in a jar in the For Sale section of the classifieds of the Cleveland Plain Dealer."

"I tried to list it on eBay, but they have some kind of rule against selling body parts."

"What does it do?"

"Not much. It sits there. It bubbles every once and a while. There's a switch at the bottom, next to the foot of the jar."

"What does the switch do?"

"When you throw it, he talks."

"What?!?"

"It seems to be pretty tough on him, though. He can only do it once or twice a day."

"But...well, what does he say?"

"I dunno. I don't speak French."

"German."

"Whatever. He talks about Mussolini a lot. Then his face turns red."

"The ad says call for price."

"Yeah."

"So?"

"So what?"

"What's the price?"

"Oh. Hell, I don't know. What's a good price for something like that, do you think?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Well, it ain't like I've ever sold one before. What do things like that normally sell for?"

"There aren't any things like that. There was only one Hitler."

"Not according to the jar."

"What?"

"On the bottom of the jar there's a carving. It says 'Koibatsu Bionecrotic Novelty Company, Kyoto, Japan. Head of Hitler, irksome dictator. #453 of 2000.'"

"So...it's a fake?"

"I don't know if I'd call it a fake. It's part of a series."

"Terrific."

"What, so you don't want it now?"

"No, actually, I want it more now. It sounds kind of cool."

"Oh yeah?"

"Like a conversation starter."

"Sure."

"So, how much."

"Aaaaaaah...a hundred bucks?"

"Sheesh."

"Come on."

"All right. Give me your address. Hey, what other stuff do you get in the lost and found at that gas station?"

"Oh, you know, crap. Just crap that falls out of people's pockets or cars. Maps. Chapstick. Keys. We got a laser pistol in there right now."

"It works?"

"Hell yeah."

"Uh, how much you want for that?"

"Forget it, dude. It's only been in there for sixteen days. I'm not losing my job over this."