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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Holiday
Week kicks off here on the Ludic Log with this indescribable whatnot!
"Three Stooges routine" "She-Hulk naked" "Saudi Arabia and Yemen borders problems" "work in the Playboy mansion" "driving reward for doing the right thing" "closet hydroponic setup" "Neo-Adventism" "drank a bottle of NyQuil" |
12.17.2004
Okay, first off, okay, jingle bells. I get that. Fine. Jingle bells. I mean, I don't know what the hell they are. Are they like sleigh bells? Are they the same thing? What the fuck a jingle bell is I don't know and I don't care. But okay, fine, everyone gets jingle bells. What is there to argue about? They're goddamn jingle bells. There's no controversy about them. So forget about it. Just let it pass, for Christ's sake, I don't know why some people have to make a federal case out of everything. Jingle bells. But you know what? Can I be honest here? Can I be absolutely fucking forthright about something for once in my life? Batman smells. I mean, he fucking stinks. The guy smells like fucking shit. Like acutal shit. Big goddamn crimefighter, saving Gotham City. Really impressive, that's great. Well you know what? Save us from something else, Mr. I Smell Like a Horse's Ass. I'm serious, man: you smell. You smell bad. What, are we supposed to be impressed that you have that fucking suit and you're swinging from a rope and all that crap, when you smell like a goddamn toilet? Fucking Bruce Wayne, man. The guy is a millionaire. He's the richest man in the city. He buys and sells people like they were baseball cards. Fights crime by night with a utility belt but he can't be bothered to take a fucking shower every once in a while. Put some fucking deodorant in your utility belt if you really want to impress people, jackass. I'm not kidding around here. You think this is funny? You think I'm lying? Well, try this, Mr. Doubting Thomas: go and steal a TV set one night and then just hang around waiting for Batman to show up. Oh, you'll know he's coming, all right: you'll be able to tell from a mile away because your eyes will be watering from the horrible stench. Because Batman smells. He stinks. There's no way to put a pretty face on it. And Robin -- okay, I don't want to get into a big thing here. I don't like to tell people how to live their lives. If you want to go around smelling like used toilet paper, fine. If you want to live in a cave with a young boy who wears chain mail underpants, well, I guess we can chalk that up to an eccentricity of the rich, can't we? But Robin -- all right, I'm going to speak frankly here. I'm not going to dance around this. We all know what we're talking about here. Robin laid an egg. He -- I mean, what the fuck? Seriously. He laid a goddamn egg. What that? He's a fourteen-year-old boy and he laid an egg. How does that even happen? What in the name of God is going on at Wayne Manor? I'm not a judgy-type person. But that's repulsive. It's a fucking travesty, a little boy laying an egg. Are you hearing what I'm saying? Robin...laid...an...egg. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I have an image in my head, I don't even want to describe it to you because I can't get it out of my mind and it makes me want to throw up. Now, okay, look. I'm no millionare. I don't know how these things work. I'm also no mechanic and I don't know how you pros do things. But, okay, did you know that the Batmobile lost a wheel? It just...it fell right off. This is a car that cost like fifty million dollars. And the fucking wheel fell off. You can't -- I mean, Christ, hasn't Mr. Bat-Stink ever heart of routine preventive maintenance? I guess if you can't be bothered to clean the dingleberries off your ass you can't be bothered to change your oil either, but look. You can't just take the fucking thing to a Jiffy-Lube. You have to take some goddamn responsibility. How is it going to look when you're tooling around town with your stinking ass and your teenage sidekick with the egg that popped out of his rear end and your...the wheel falls off your fucking car? It's unbelievable. Do you know what happened when the Batmobile lost its wheel? The Joker got away! The guy killed like fifty people! He's a goddamn mass murderer and now he's sipping sangria in Maztlan because Shitty-Drawers can't take care of his car. You think that Gordon or the rest of the cops would be able to get away with letting the Joker get away because the wheels fell off their patrol cars? God! God. Christ. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Study for the love of music, not with the hope of glory. People can get tired of glory, but not of something they love." (Ivan Galamian) |