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LUDIC LOG

It's a new era, and it calls for a new zodiac. Today's young people have as much need for cookie-cutter wisdom as their forebears, but who can relate to a scale or an archer? We need iconic identifiers for the modern world, and who better than America's Favorite Family? Consult the chart below. Are you a Lisa with a Marge rising? A Maggie with a Bart ascendant? Or just cusp Homer?

Yin

MARGE

(The Good:) Level-headed, practical, a "solid rock" on which the family is built. She's the stolid one, the organizer, the one who thinks things through. She knows what's right and sticks by her guns. Acts as the social conscience of the community, and can often bring the ridiculous notions and hopeless, pie-in-the-sky ideas of others back down to earth. Sometimes perceived as dull or square, but her loyalty and trustworthiness, combined with her realistic worldview and problem-solving abilities, make her well loved.

(The Bad:) A conservative, stodgy soul with a deep distrust of anything new or out-of-the-ordinary. So concerned with what other people think that she discourages individuality. Is always willing to help out others, but at the cost of keeping her own inner demons dangerously repressed. Utterly uncool. Doesn't take praise well and is always underestimating her own talents. Is very set in her ways, and doesn't ask questions when she needs to. Comes across as naggy and fussy at times. Worries too much.

LISA

(The Good:) The genius. The creative artist, the precocious prodigy with a vast array of knowledge ­ every teacher's pet. The classic overachiever, always ahead of the curve in whatever she undertakes. Spiritual without being fanatic and socially conscious without being obsessive or pushy. Sensitive and caring without being fey or pretentious; she's not naïve about things and she's nobody's fool. She might not be the world's most sociable person, but she's really a romantic at heart. Cute, but not cutesy.

(The Bad:) Awkward and uncomfortable in social settings ­ in some ways the stereotypical geek: brilliant and talented but largely friendless and isolated. Misunderstood, depressive, a "voice in the wilderness". The world doesn't appreciate her talents enough, but she thinks it should appreciate them too much: she can be egotistical, hammy, even selfish. Spends too much time in the world of her imagination and not enough time in the world. Tends to suck up to authority (even ones unworthy of her respect); too in need of approval.

MAGGIE

(The Good:) The classic naïf; a child of nature who knows herself and her needs. Willful and self-reflexive. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. Everybody loves kids, and she's the eternally young, eternally optimistic Peter Pan in us all. She seems to lead a charmed life, and no matter how adverse the situation gets, things always work out her way. Never a burden, and rarely temperamental or grumpy. She may not have much to say, but as the wisdom has it, still waters run deep.

(The Bad:) Not the world's best communicator; holds deep (and maybe dark) secrets that no one can fathom. Naïve and trusting to a fault. Often dependent on others for even the most basic of life's needs. Her charmed life keeps her from developing many real skills of her own. Has a very narrow range of interests and doesn't really care about anything else. Friends are easily made but transitory, while enemies are kept for years and years. Rarely achieves anything notable, but even when she does, she gets no respect.

Yang

GRANDPA

(The Good:) Tough as nails, rough as sandpaper and utterly determined. He takes no guff and gets the job done, no matter how menial it may be. Knows the right people and has the right contacts. Has a certain inescapable charm with the ladies. Knows a great deal about things others know nothing about. Possesses an undeniable raw cunning and a veteran's instincts. Brutally honest, he's way past caring about what other people think and he always calls them like he sees them.

(The Bad:) Cranky, cantankerous, curmudgeonly and easily provoked: the classic crackpot. Can be extraordinarily long-winded and boring. Frequently lives in the past and can't pull himself beyond his old victories ­ he rests on his laurels. Petulant and demanding; feigns helplessness to get what he wants. Is both a consummate con artist and a consummate con artist's mark. Might seem sharp as a tack sometimes, but at other times is completely out of it. One of those people who can tell you what he hates about everything but what he likes about nothing.

HOMER

(The Good:) The loyal family man. A good provider for his loved ones, no matter how much adversity he might have to overcome. Might sometimes come across as insensitive, but his love for those he cares about is unquestionable. Despite sometimes boorish nature, is capable of coming up with touching moments of tenderness and grace. Happy-go-lucky, fun-loving and always up for a good laugh. Good-natured and kind, he wishes no one harm ­ he's got "in-your-face humanity". Beer, TV, sports: he's the quintessential all-American guy.

(The Bad:) Dumb as a bag of hammers and not getting any smarter. A stereotypical hedonist who will indulge his various gluttonous vices until he literally can't indulge any more. He really cares, but sometimes it's hard to tell; he's so wrapped up in fulfilling his urges that he sometimes forgets himself. Crude and obnoxious ­ he's not making anyone's "A" list anytime soon. He's incapable of lying, but not for lack of effort ­ he's just too dim to pull it off. Inordinately lazy, he's always trying to get away with doing as little as possible. Bad with money.

BART

(The Good:) The self-assured, cocky smart-ass: the boy you love to hate. Fun-loving anarchist, good-natured revolutionary, snotty but loveable bad boy. Hates pretension and propped-up authority; he's great at pointing out other people's foibles and keeping them humble. Incredibly cunning and possessed of a deeply devious cleverness. He doesn't have a brilliant mind, but it's always racing: he can come up with ideas on the spur of the moment. Hip, cool and cutting-edge, with a mischievous and biting sense of humor.

(The Bad:) Everything he's good at keeping other people honest about, he can't admit about himself: he's largely in denial about his shortcomings and sees no need to improve on them. He might be extremely clever, but he's not nearly as smart as he'd like you to think he is. He can never learn from his mistakes and ends up getting into the same kind of trouble again and again. So relentlessly individualistic and incorrigible that most people think of him as actually evil. Doesn't know what's good for him, and doesn't know when to quit. Too selfish to have a lot of friends.