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12.22.2003
It had been a slow week.
Nothing coming across the desk but your typical intern surveillance,
PAC background checks, the occasional shadowing of a minor K
Street player, that kind of stuff. I woulda been happy if some
white-shoe GOPer had asked me to run a wiretap on an opponent's
campaign manager, but no such luck. Then Finney comes in and
drops this one on me.
"The Dems are looking
for dirt. Serious dirt. They're runnin' scared about these judicial
nominees that POTUS and his Republican cronies are trying to
push through, and they need ammo. Bad. Whaddyathink?"
I raised the brim of my
fedora and grunted approval, taking the file out of the mick's
greasy fingers. Sure, I played it cool, but this was serious
business. Those donkey-boys must really be feeling the pressure,
and I knew that meant I could take 'em for every red cent of
soft money they had. I got to work.
PRISCILLA OWEN, U.S
Court of Appeals 5th Circuit nominee:
· elected
justice of the Texas Supreme Court, 1995-present
· began career as a partner in Andrews & Kurth LLP,
Houston, Texas
· member, Austin chapter of the Federalist Society
· once kicked a pigeon
· has been seen buying Anthony Kennedy dolls and melting
off arms
· does not wear anything underneath her judge's robes
· card-carrying member of the NRA; has never fired a rifle
but drives SUV with bumper sticker "Charlton Heston is my
President"
· picks nose; ate it until turning 30
· not to be confused with the Queen of the Desert
CAROLYN KUHL, U.S.
Court of Appeals 9th Circuit nominee:
· L.A.
County Superior Court judge, 1995-present
· U.S. Deputy Solicitor General, 1985-1986
· U.S. Deputy Assistant Attorney General, 1982-1985
· Special Assistant to Attorney General William French
Smith, 1981-1982
· U.S. Deputy Special Assistant to the Deputy Assistant
2nd Chef, basement cafeteria, Russell Senate Office Building,
1970-1981
· One of the charter members of Barry Manilow's "Fanilows";
has played Lola to ex-Gov. Pete Wilson's Rico at GOP holiday
parties
· Avon lady
· owns world's largest collection of celebrity toenail
clippings
· at first sign of danger, will hoard nuts in her cheeks
CHARLES W. PICKERING,
SR., U.S. Court of Appeals 5th Circuit nominee
· U.S. District Court judge, Southern District of Mississippi,
1990-present
· Mississippi State Senate, 1972-1980
· in law school, once defined res ipsa loquitir
on a Torts exam by writing, "that tiny lump of flesh that
hangs down in the back of your throat"
· routinely enters flea circus competitions
· stood idly by as several 4th graders harassed a classmate
named Michelle by calling her "Smelly Shelly"
· prone to uncontrollable bouts of explosive flatus
· hostile to reproductive rights, especially those of
his dog Max, a eunuch
WILLIAM H. PRYOR, JR.,
U.S. Court of Appeals 11th Circuit nominee:
· Attorney
General of Alabama, 1997-present
· Deputy Attorney General, 1988-1995
· member, Federalist Society
· also a member of the Anti-Federalist Society; possible
conflict of interest
· once attempted to change name to "Khalid al-Fayat
Mohammed" in order to infiltrate a meeting of the United
Negro College Fund
· will not get dressed without putting on undershirt that
reads "I (heart) John Ashcroft"
· grows hair on the soles of his feet
· will not hesitate to make poopy jokes; once circulated
a mock "opinion" in which he intimated that Ruth Bader
Ginsburg has both sets of sex organs
Hmm. Ted Kennedy is gonna
snort whiskey from his nose when he gets a load of this...
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