LUDIC LOG

Are you a healthy, happy, well-adjusted member of society with the analytical powers of a well-cooked lima bean? Or perhaps a bitter cynic whose self-hate is matched only by your revulsion for the toxic culture through which you stagger? Find out with our easy 10-question quiz!

1. When I hear the President of the United States say that America stands up for the rights of the oppressed, I:

a) am glad I live in a democracy that espouses such values.
b) am irritated that a 'leader' spouts meaningless platitudes to pacify an ignorant and easily led population.
c) want to crawl into a hole and die of shame.

2. If I watched the ten most popular videos on MTV today, I would:

a) feel like going to the music store to get that new Pink CD, because she's sassy.
b) be sickened by the commodified tripe that passes for art and the repackaged branding that has replaced true creative expression.
c) plunge freshly sharpened number 2 pencils deep into my ears and then pluck out my eyes to ensure my senses were never violated like that again.

3. Politicians:

a) generally have our best interests in mind.
b) act only in their own best interests.
c) should be rounded up and forced to confess their misdeeds, then clubbed like baby seals (to save bullets).

4. Kids today are:

a) the future.
b) apathetic consumers.
c) grist for the mill.

5. When I see a preview for a new romantic comedy staring Jennifer Lopez, I:

a) look forward to some good laughs and a warm fuzzy feeling.
b) cringe and wonder how many sheep will cough up ten bucks for a chance to piss away two hours of their lives.
c) want to slam my head against a cinderblock wall until merciful darkness overtakes me.

6. Professional sports:

a) are fun to watch.
b) give people something to think and talk about other than anything that matters.
c) are the final spiritual refuge of failed slobs who missed their chance to join a cult.

7. After watching network news, I:

a) feel a little down, but am glad I have a handle on what's going on.
b) know I've wasted half an hour learning nothing about nothing.
c) am consumed with fantasies that involve parachuting Rupert Murdoch naked into Afghanistan with an American flag freshly tattooed on his face.

8. The church is:

a) an important source of support and hope for many people.
b) a vestigial mechanism for enforcing morality.
c) a venerated institution for losing one's virginity.

9. Women's magazines:

a) provide useful health and beauty tips.
b) teach women that their value as sexual objects defines them.
c) make me feel better about vomiting until my teeth are little green nubs.

10. The reason we are here is to:

a) make the world a better place.
b) spread DNA.
c) club baby seals.

Answers:

Mostly A: Congratulations! You will always be happy! Go buy that new SUV you've been wanting!

Mostly B: You've done a good job of imposing meaning on a meaningless world by restructuring it as a struggle between the forces of natural goodness and corrupting power. You recognize the essential randomness of existence, but can't help fighting against it.

Mostly C: It's surprising you made it this far - nihilists rarely survive what they start. Your coal-black heart will beat on against your will until your own anger grinds you out like a cigarette butt. At least no one can accuse you of deceiving yourself.