LUDIC LOG

For some reason, every damn holiday this year has fallen on a Thursday. Does the occurence of the Western world's most sacred holiday mean, however, that Thursday will not bring our loyal readership a recap of the 1980s comic book retardlopedia known as The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (issue #12, to be precise)? Not if one Mr. William Renkin has anything to say about it. Take it away, Bill.

OHOTMU #12: Sif to Sunspot

[Insert witty intro here]

SIF. Sometimes, you have to admire the research skills of Sanderson and Gruenwald. To write the Sif entry, they actually had to read a book on mythology. Y'know...so they can crib some dumbass story about how Sif went from being a blonde to being a brunette. Apparently that prick, Loki, cut off her hair while she slept... Like anyone but members of the Society for Creative Anachronism would even give a crap! Also, Sigourney Weaver's lawyers called. They say she wants her distinctive likeness back.

SILVER SURFER. Ah, yessss....the original mope-fiend in his shiny metal underwear.
All I can say is be thankful for his silly metal undies. The remade series that started in '87 portrayed him as both perpetually naked and distressingly sans schwantzen. But anyhow, here's his backstory: Norrin Radd (son of Way-Bodacious Radd and Gnarly Radd) was a discontented space cueball from the planet Zenn-La. He desperately wanted something interesting to happen, for he had grown bored with the same old routine. Sitting around paradise all day snacking on ambrosia, sipping nectar, taking rides in the Orgasmotron, and smoking non-carcinogenic space ganja without a care in the world was not Norrin Radd's idea of fun. Luckily for him -- and unluckily for the effete snobs who were accidently killed during this disreputable incident -- the ever-ravenous Devourer of Worlds (insert scary blare of horns) invaded Zenn-La with the intent of eating it. After bargaining with Galactus the Devourer, Norrin heroically traded his freedom for the safety of his world. And the scene went something like this...

Galactus: "Arise, Norrin Radd, you are now my herald, the Silver Surfer!"

Silver Surfer: "....the Silver what!?"

Galactus: "The Silver Surfer!"

Silver Surfer: "I don't understand. What is...surfering? What is this huge, flat peice of metal for?"

Galactus: "It is a sport invented by the Hawaiians of planet Earth. That huge, flat piece of metal is a 'surf-board' that you 'surf' with. Now do you understand?"

Silver Surfer: "No. Not really. I know nothing of Hawaiians of the planet...what was it? I..."

Galactus: "Look...just stand on the friggin' board! It'll take you where you want to go."

(Norrin stands on the board and is instantly propelled into the headquarters of the Ministry of Eternal Bliss.)

Silver Surfer: "It's okay! I'm all right!"

(He suddenly lunges out of the wreckage and is propelled across the courtyard into the Orgasmoth Garden, making a deep crater in the center plaza.)

Silver Surfer: "If our culture wasn't so enlightened as to no longer have vulgar curse words, I would so be spewing obscenities right now."

Galactus: "Herald! Enough of this foolishness. Stop toying with your board and begin searching the cosmos for sustanance for your ravenous master!"

(Norrin Radd, holding onto the board with his arms and legs, lurches out of the crater, bounces off of Galactus's shoulder, and into the Spire of Grandeur.)

Silver Surfer: "Um...y'know...my culture is very advanced...we do have our own FTL starships. I could be Silver Starship Guy..."

(Galactus grabs Norrin and the board and chucks them into high orbit.)

And thus a legend began. Or so Lee and Kirby vainly hoped. Besides, we all know Silver Surfer was just an inferior prototype to a more interesting Kirby creation: the Black Racer.

SINISTER SYNDICATE. Five of Spidey's lamest villains (and that's saying a lot) team up for fun and profit. End result: the second lamest five-man team in the Marvel cosmology and the shortest entry in the entire OHOTMU series. (For the lamest overall, check out the entry for Mutant Force.)

SIN-EATER. He's like Scourge! Except he sucks! And he's wearing purple and green!
He's just a crazy guy in a ski-mask who shoots people with a shotgun! And strangely enough, Marvel unintentionally made DC Comics equivalent, Wild Dog, appear suddenly deep, interesting and well-thought out in comparison.

SIRYN (and BANSHEE). How, how, how do they fly...FORWARD...while emitting their main form of propulsion from their mouth? Huh? Can someone please answer this without devolving into lame pseudo-science? No? Didn't think so.

SKRULLS. Purple + green + pointy ears + nothing else interesting about them = Worst. Alien. Race. Ever.

SNARKS. Maybe I spoke too soon.

SONS OF THE TIGER. It was one of those things that only seemed to work in the '70s. Yet another pseudo-racially inclusive team of (Kung Fu Fighters / Bikers / Disco Dancers) who could merge into some sort of Super (Kung Fu Fighter / Biker / Disco Dancer) through some lame contrivance. In each case, though, a blond white guy gets to be the 100% personality-free leader. The other team members, however, are only 99.44% personality-free. They get cliché catchphrases, big afro haircuts and luscious tatas to give them depth.

SPIDER-MAN. I can sympathize with J. Jonah Jameson. Spidey makes me wish for a gigantic flyswatter and a 300-gallon can of Raid. (Editor's note: Mr. Renkin's views do not neccesarily reflect those of the editor of this publication, who has geekgasms just thinking about crappy old issues of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man.)

SPRITE. Yet another Eternal, this one with the most punchable face of the bunch. He should be ground down into giblet-flavored Deviant Chow just for the design of his pants.

SPYMASTER. Uh-oh! Look out! He's got a gun, and little pockets on his pants, and a knife painted on his shirt! Yeah...like this guy wouldn't go to pieces (literally) after a 1-nanosecond exposure to a low power repulsor emission. They'd have to clean him out of the brickwork with a sponge.

SQUADRON SUPREME. Ta-dah! Adventures in Copyright Infringement!

STARFOX. Occupation...womanizer. Good work if you can get it. And how does he get all the chicks despite his nature as a hopeless dipstick? MENTAL RAPE! He's a walking brain Sybian! And to think the East Coast Avengers hired him as a team member, rather than arresting him as a habitual sex criminal.

STILT-MAN. Wilbur Day and his expanding legs. Its sounds like surrealist porn, but it's not. It's a painfully lame Daredevil villain (yes...even lamer than the Owl) who can grow to huge heights with his extending robo-legs. No wonder he has to rob banks...can you imagine how much it costs to build something like that? Doesn't matter. Even Puck could kick his ass without breaking a sweat.

STRANGER. Is it just me, or does it look like the front of his tunic is trying to cut off his head?

SUNSPOT. Another example of Marvel damaging race relations. Why, you ask? Every time this hot-blooded Brazilian indulges in his hobby of property damage, befuddled eyewitnesses can only say: "Uh...It was some black guy...".