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Leonard is on vacation until New Year's Eve. Please enjoy these guest columns until his return; the people who wrote them are the finest on earth.

Today's guest columnist is R.J. White, whose writing can also be found here.

LUDIC LOG

12.26.2003

A SCENE FROM THE GOTHAM CITY ART MUSEUM

(Setting: a second-floor conference room.)

CONWAY: Al right, people -- we need to set the special exhibition schedule for the year. The insurance company and trustees have been on my ass and I want to go through every damn one to make sure we don't have another incident like last year.

HANSON: I'm sorry. I didn't think it would cause a problem.

WILLS: Oh come on, Ed! Fucking jewel-encrusted 'Umbrellas of Royalty?' Like the Penguin wasn't going to jump all over that one.

HANSON: Hey, I already said I'm sorry, okay?

CONWAY: People, please. Now, we have a lot of traveling exhibitions we can take on this year, we just need to decide which ones we should bid upon. Okay...Smithsonian's offering an exhibition of rare playing cards.

(Everyone laughs.)

CONWAY: Heh, nope. Don't even need to bother with that one. Here's something: a collection of Swiss clocks, on loan from--

WILLS: Nope. Clock King.

HANSON: Who?

WILLS: Eh, nobody. Clock-related crimes.

CONWAY: Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about him. Okay...the Cooper-Hewitt Museum is sending a tour of calendars that have hung in the White House.

HANSON: Nope. Calendar Man.

CONWAY: Right, right...oh, Christ. Ivy University's library has offered their collection of first edition riddle books. Ha-ha. Real funny. Dicks.

WILLS: Hey, how about this one? Opal City's natural history museum's offering -- ah, never mind.

CONWAY: What? What is it?

WILLS: Some Lewis Carroll manuscripts from their permanent collection.

HANSON: What's wrong with those?

WILLS: Mad...

HANSON: .. Hatter. Right. Damn. Well, how about this? For their anniversary, Zippo's sending around an exhibit of lighters. Special models, old ones. Kind of lame, but it might be safe.

CONWAY: I don't know. Who's that one guy with the wings and helmet? Firebug?

WILLS: Firefly.

CONWAY: Right. Hm. No, we'd better pass.

HANSON: Why? He's an arsonist. He uses flamethrowers. What the hell is he going to want with a bunch of Zippo lighters?

CONWAY: Better safe than sorry.

HANSON: Oh, come on!

WILLS: Yeah, let's get those. Maybe some more umbrellas, too.

HANSON: Shut up about the umbrellas, already. Jesus! Every goddamn time!

CONWAY: Hey! Settle down, alright.

(He sighs heavily.)

CONWAY. Listen, let's just go with the Millard Fillmore letters again, okay? Unless there's some nutball obsessed with the Whig party I don't know about.

WILLS: No.

CONWAY: Alright, then. Fillmore letters again. Call their library and set it up, Ed.

HANSON: I hate this stupid town.

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