LUDIC LOG

The sun rises on schedule. As usual, your assortment of Venetian blinds and the old Fishbone concert t-shirt that you have nailed over the transom have kept that damned sun from waking you up. It's now noon and you awake to find that it is 1:00pm, because you never changed the time on your alarm clock. Nobody is going to tell you when and how you're going to set your clocks. This is one of the benefits of being alone.

You step over a pile of trash, crushing a couple fast food boxes in the process, as you move into the living room. You turn on your computer monitor to find that it is 10:00am, and that a few of your illegal downloads are complete. You peek outside. No cops. You rub your palms together and cackle. Another successful caper under your belt. With glee you search for the things that your life is missing. Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode 313. Yes, please. The Office season 2 episode 6. Indeed. Couple having sex on the beach VOYEUR. Oh, my, if you insist. They'll never catch you. You're far too quick. You've mapped the two obvious exits out of the apartment as well as the not-so-obvious one that requires you to go into the basement and then squeeze out through a window. They won't expect that. It's perfect.

You turn on the TV and the radio as you read the comics you downloaded overnight. Mmmm, Terry Gross on the radio, Grace Under Fire on the TV, and Wolverine on the monitor. You are the ultimate media whore. You curse the fact that your body requires sleep. You gain no information while you sleep. You tried books on tape. You broke your headphones, your Walkman, and awoke with the wire wrapped tightly around your numb left arm. Now you'll never know how Dave Barry Turns 40 tape 1 side 1 ends. Damn this body and its unquenchable thirst for daily sleep!

Thirst. You're thirsty. Why, God, must you suffer through this liquid-craving mortality? Because your chair is not a hover-chair, you must stand and walk to the bathroom without assistance. You feel robbed. Why must you be condemned to do all of your own standing and walking? It isn't fair. If you had the power of flight, you certainly wouldn't have any problem flying to the bathroom to suck water from the showerhead. If you can't have the power of flight, you should at least get a hover chair. Maybe you could invent one yourself. You have some bottle rockets left over from 1993 under your bed. And a chair. It seems simple enough. But you had to move the last time you had a plan involving those bottle rockets. You still don't know why they don't make clothes that put themselves in the washing machine. Damned laundry basket conspiracy. That's what it is.