LUDIC LOG

Dear Society for Creative Anachronism,

Hi, there, guys! You can't imagine how excited I was when I first became aware of your organization. You see, for several years, I've been inventing creative anachronisms, and I thought I was alone. I even formed my own foundation, the Center for Intentional Anachronism. I specialize in depictions of historical scenes with a flair for more modern sensibilities in both prose and meticulously arranged photographs. Shakespeare on the cell phone with his agent, Michelangelo channel surfing for porn, that sort of thing. You'd think that there would be an enormous market for stuff just chock full of irony and symbolism like this, but you.d be wrong.

Anyway, as you may have surmised, up to this point, I have been entirely flummoxed in my efforts to find a paying audience for my particular specialty. Imagine my delight at learning that there was an entire society of like-minded individuals!

So, how much do you think I could get for this sort of thing? I would like to forward to you a couple of my best photographic anachronisms (Jesus driving a Conestoga wagon across the plains and the Emperor Nero modeling thigh-high boots with fishnets and a Fendi bag -- I like to play with gender stereotypes as well), as well as a fine story involving the manner in which the advent of the phonograph affected the founding fathers. Let me know.

Hopefully,

Julian Motley

***

Dearest Mr. Motley,

Forfend, that your pleas should alight on such gambrelled ears as ours. Forsooth, but you seem to have apprehended an entirely wrongheaded idea of the aims and purpose of our organization. While Jesus in a Conestoga wagon may indeed be fraught with symbolism and ironic high-jinks, we here at the SCA don't really do that sort of thing. We are a very serious organization dedicated to bringing back the manners and customs of the medieval world. In addition to teaching our members to speak in an authentically ancient dialect and taking on elaborate personae, we dress in authentic costume as knights and ladies of medieval times, practice the ancient arts of war (all in fun, you understand, no one actually gets killed), drink mead and feast on roasted fowl, etc.

So, our function as literate historians and restorers of the authentic world of the past is rather at odds with your deliberately inaccurate depictions of the figures of history and legend. Honestly, your work is offensive to us. We, here at the SCA denounce you and your campaigns of historical misinformation. It is due to people just like you that the average person knows no more of history than would a brindled cur.

Good day to you,

Heer Rijnstopffel Van Cloffen

SCA

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Mr. Van Cloffen,

I won't try to pretend to you that I'm not disappointed with your letter. I had my hopes up that I finally had a chance to deal with some kindred spirits. But I'm not giving up. I think there must still be some chance that some of your members would be interested in contemplating an illustrated account of the building of the pyramids, aided by steam power; or, to flip it around, Mark Twain on a barge navigating the Nile.

Seriously: it's history, it's anachronistic, it has scope and grandeur, and Mark Twain is funnier than a peanut butter and pork jowl sandwich. How can you people not love it? At least, let someone in charge contact me back.

Disappointed,

J. Motley

***

My fine fellow,

Since you seem to be unwilling to accept the word of my esteemed colleague, Heer Van Cloffen, perhaps I can make clear to you our complete disinterest in your sort of projects. My name is Dyfed Powys, a name of 15th century Welsh derivation, by the bye, and while it is true that I am not the King, I am not without rank, being as I am Official Whalebone Deputy in Charge of Promulgating Whalebone and Boffer Rules. Thus, you might say, I am in charge. I must insist that you cease writing to us. We are not amused.

With irritation,

Dyfed Powys

Whalebone Deputy

Kingdom of An Lir

SCA

***

Dear Mr. Powys,

Jesus, you are a freak, and, may I add, WTF?!? As it happens, I no longer wish to place my work with your organization. I did some research and discovered a few very interesting facts. When I first contacted you, I had no idea that your group seems to be made up of greasy ex-hippies and people who weren't cool enough for the D & D Club in high school. You are not worthy of my art. A triptych of Einstein wearing a tricorn hat, Moses in a bowler and the Emperor Nero in one of those 1890s ladies' hats with the big feathers (Nero, like you, apparently, was a bit of a fag) would likely cause you and your outdated filthy hippie friends to brilliantly exclaim, "oooh, hats"!

The symbolism of this juxtaposition of eras and the counterpoint between the zeitgeists of their respective eras is completely lost on Philistines such as you. So, in closing, may I say: go suck on a rusty razor blade, dickwad!

Your superior in every way,

J. Motley

***

Associated Press

Newark, N.J.

An unidentified man was found in an area of tall grass alongside the N.J. turnpike Tuesday morning. Initial examinations indicate that he sustained slashing injuries consistent with an assailant using a sword or other large blade of some variety, resulting in his death sometime between midnight and 8 A.M. on Tuesday. Investigators were particularly puzzled by the clothing the victim was wearing. He was dressed in what appeared to be a Roman toga. A large, bloody feathered hat was found just a few feet from the body. Police are questioning residents in area fraternities and transvestite bars. Individuals with any information about this case are urged to call 1-800-DED-TIPS.