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NEW PRODUCTS FOR 2003 1. Single-use cars 2. Chocolate-coated lard 3. Digital telegraphs 4. As-yet-unnamed entertainment storage medium that will render CDs obsolete 5. Cosmetic hunch SHORT LIST OF CANDIDATES TO JOIN THE AXIS OF EVIL 1. South Korea (to avoid confusion) 2. Suriname (African-sounding name, suspiciously located in South America) 3. Cuba (trying to clean off our to-do lists) 4. Russia (can save money and the environment by recycling old propaganda) 5. Turkey (attempting to get them off the fence once and for all about whether they're Arabs or Europeans) ETHNIC SLURS FOR ARABS, AND HOW MUCH THEY APPLY TO ME 1. Raghead: 0% (I am not a Muslim, and have never work a kaffir) 2. Towelhead: 12% (I have, on a number of occassions, had a towel on my head) 3. Camel jockey: 31% (although I have never actually ridden a camel, I have contemplated doing so, and may yet actually accomplish it someday) 4. Sand-nigger: 47% (I am from a state with lots of sand, although since I am half-Irish, "sand-mulatto" might be more accurate) 5. Fat, underemployed half-Arab loser: 100% (I actually made this one up, but let's be honest, it pretty much has me pegged) MON-EL'S BIGGEST COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE THOUSAND YEARS HE SPENT IN THE PHANTOM ZONE 1. No cable 2. General Zod wouldn't stop telling that one story about how he first decided to become an astronaut 3. Friday Night Fish Surprise was just Mrs. Pal-El's Fish Sticks with sprig of parsley 4. Nam-Ek smelled like rhino's ass 5. Was in there for a thousand years, and Az-Rel hogged the Zone-o-Phone for at least 900 of them CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR MY CAT OR MYSELF 1. Got to sit by open window 2. The Civil War: A Narrative -- From Seccession to Fort Henry by Shelby Foote 3. Industrial-grade pulverized tuna fish 4. $100 gift certificate to Tower Records 5. Clean shitbox |
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