The Ludic Log: Your Kiss Is On My List

WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN GEORGE W. BUSH DIES

1. Flights of angels will sing him to his rest

2. Flags will fly at half-mast and CNN will prepare many a touching tribute as "A Nation Mourns"

3. Whichever Bush is president will go into seclusion for a week

4. Henry Kissinger will have to find someone new to suck up to, again

5. Over 3000 people who have been in Heaven since 09/11/2001 will still not understand why the fuck America invaded Iraq, for fuck's sake

LITTLE-KNOWN GENOCIDES

1. Oompa-Loompas, 1960, by Ghanaian mercenaries acting under the direction of the Lollipop Guild

2. Smurfs, 1991-1993, by Walloon separatists

3. Schmoon, 1959-1971, by Dogpatchians (Dogpatch has long denied any involvement in genocide, claiming the Schmoo "enjoyed being eaten")

4. Antarcticans, 1852, by North Poleans

5. Unnamed microscopic civilization of some five billion citizens living in lunar crater, 1969, by "Buzz" Aldrin's right foot

OVERLOOKED AFRICAN-AMERICAN "FIRSTS"

1. Rudolph Wilton, first African-American to get a degree in Afro-Bulgarian Queer
Theory

2. Reggie "Kip" Fuller, first black teenager to wear his baseball cap at a crooked angle

3. Arnold Gittes, originator of the phrase "once you've had black you never go back"

4. Margaret Kendall, first black woman to admit to liking Perry Como

5. Tony Mitchell, first man to break the color barrier that had previously prevented
blacks from playing gnomish illusionists in Dungeons & Dragons

PLACE NAMES TO AMUSE SIXTH-GRADERS

1. Lake Titicaca

2. Mount Pupidudu

3. Fort Shittycrapsnatch

4. The Goddam-Motherfucken Forest

5. The Mrs. Hilliard is a Dried-Up Old Cranberry Fart River

COMING IN 2007 FROM FOX NEWS NETWORK

1. The O'Reilly Factor for Dogs

2. Hannity and a Stuffed Animal

3. Michael Moore is Fat: The Newscast

4. What the President Meant to Say

5. Locking Up Suspicious-Looking Foreigners with Michelle Malkin