The Ludic Log: Your Kiss Is On My List

FUTURE TRUMP PROJECTS

1. TrumpTime (Big Ben to be purchased, razed and rebuilt in solid gold)

2. Trump Paradise Islands (the three smallest Hawaiian islands to be purchased,
retrofitted, converted into resort hotels, and terraformed so that shorlines spell out
letters "TPI")

3. Trumpmerica (proposed slogan for first-hundred-days platform of Trump's 2012 presidential bid)

4. Trumpa Lumpas (race of genetically engineered dwarves who will work for free at all Trump casinos, resorts and properties)

5. Trumpatron R-5000 (huge robotic monstrosity into which Trump's brain will be
placed following the demise of his physical body)

OTHER SCIENTOLOGY CHILD-REARING METHODS TO WHICH SURI CRUISE WILL BE
EXPOSED

1. Katie Holmes to be kept in special isolation chamber where her desperate cries for
help will not affect Suri's development

2. All crying fits to be translated by Tom Cruise on prime-time talk show appearances
via the medium of shouting

3. On each of her birthdays, a number of psychiatrists corresponding to her age will be placed atop a gigantic cake and burned alive

4. Album of sea chanteys recorded by Sea Org will lull her to sleep at night

5. All of Cruise and Holme's money to be kept at Scientology World Headquarters so it does not become upset by any negative vibrations they might emit

WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE INSULTS BUT AREN'T

1. thistle

2. bromo

3. jigger

4. brick

5. passel

HOW THINGS COULD GET WORSE IN IRAQ

1. outbreak of typhoid, ebola or bubonic plage could strike American troops

2. members of Irish Republican Army, Shining Path, and Tamil Tigers could suddenly declare that Kurdistan is their new homeland

3. Tigris, Euphrates rivers could burst into unquenchable flame

4. Jason Voorhees could convert to Islam and declare fealty to Adil Abdul-Mahdi

5. 22nd Amendment to U.S. Constitution could be repealed

MORE RE-IMAGINED SCIENCE FICTION TV SHOWS

1. Automan: The Next Generation

2. Far Out Space Nuts 2007

3. The Invisible Man: More Invisible Than Ever

4. Electro-Woman, Dyno-Girl, and a Chinese Baby

5. The Even Better Powers of Matthew Star Jr.