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LITTLE-KNOWN GHOSTWRITING ASSIGNMENTS OF LEGENDARY WRITERS 1. William Faulkner: wrote a Popeye short in 1938 entitled If I Should Forsake Thee, O Sea Haggie 2. Norman Rockwell: guest-pencilled several issues of Blood Carnival for EC comics 3. Rush: were actually the Sex Pistols 4. Kurt Cobain: ghosted the introduction to the 1991 revised edition of Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking 5. Jesus: wrote early version of Ben-Hur as a vanity project POOR-SELLING CELEBRITY COOKBOOKS 1. Jackie Mason's Sculpting with Chopped Liver 2. Someone's in the Kitchen with U.S. Undersecretary of State John Bolton 3. Vincent Gallo's Cooking for Lousy Jewboy Faggots 4. Argh, My Hands! with Jennifer Aniston 5. Journey to the Center of John Madden's Humongous Gullet PIRATE BEHAVIORS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN PICKED UP ON BY TRENDY PEOPLE 1. forcible sodomy 2. death from scurvy 3. burying one's life savings on a sand shoal off the Spanish main 4. "timbers", generally 5. eating rats RECRUITING PERKS FOR THE YALE BASKETBALL TEAM 1. get to guest-star on an MC Paul Barman single 2. can stay in the room when someone says "Skull and Bones" 3. hire some nerdy kids from the Divinity school to take your tests for you 4. 25% discount on alternate weekends at the New Canaan Pussy Hut 5. get to paint in the "X" on the big "HARVARD SUX" banner BRITISH TV SHOWS THAT HAVEN'T CAUGHT ON IN THE STATES 1. Bloody Nora 2. The Life and Loves of Ethelred the Unready 3. Pakibash 2000! 4. Inspector Morse and the Case of the Stupid Ignorant Yanks 5. Bangers and M*A*S*H |
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