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1. ARBY'S: The FoilBuster™ Worse-Than-Homemade Meatloaf Sandwich 2. BURGER KING: The Shredded Veal Whopper 3. HARDEE'S: The Steak, Quince and Wood Chips Breakfast Biscuit 4. KFC: Chicken Liver Festival Flecks™ 5. LONG JOHN SILVER'S: Pirate Poppers™ (kid-sized cup of jumbo salmon roe) THIS SEASON'S REALITY SHOWS 1. TENEMENT BINGO: A bunch of rich white Wall Street fucks are sent to the Robert Taylor Homes on the south side of Chicago to live. They are stripped of all their money and have to work at KFC. Each week, the audience votes on which one has displayed the most and least horrible behavior, and the person judged to be less awful than the others gets to go home. On the other hand, the guy who is the most insufferable prick has to stay there an extra week. If, by the end of the season, he is judged to still be a piece of shit, he is sentenced to another year on the show. 2. MOE JILLIONAIRE: A dozen women compete for the love of a hateful, unattractive bartender who has just inherited a jillion dollars. But the viewer knows something they don't: there's no such thing as a jillion dollars! 3. HIGH AT THE AIRPORT: Four sets of two stoners each do bong hits and go hang out at the Indianapolis airport. Highly trained minimum-wage security guards have been alerted as to the possible infestation of the airport by gopped-up slackers. The stoners must attempt to kill three hours telling each other why various things are hilarious without attracting the attention of the rent-a-cops. Last duo to be told "okay, fellas, go have your little party somewhere else" wins $5000. Bonus points if anyone can convince the audience why something is hilarious. Double bonus points for identifying a non-contestant who is "totally high". Triple kitty bonus points for each dollar spent on snacks at the airport gift shop that's justified by saying "no, dude, don't sweat it, we're totally going to win and get all the money back". 4. SUCK A HORSE'S DICK: Ten women compete for the chance to suck a horse's dick. There's no prize, but they get to be on the teevee! 5. SUMO INTELLECTUALS: A group of pretentious hipsters are escorted to a loft party in Williamsburg to do battle. All the other party guests are also pseudointellectual poseurs -- except one. One person has actually read all the books, seen all the movies, and heard all the albums that everyone else claims to have read, seen and heard. One by one, he chats up the other guests, trying to lure them into giving themselves away with a fatuous comment, an obvious slip or a claim that they have an import version of a nonexistent CD. The last hipster standing gets to be the Strokes' road manager for a week. UNPOPULAR IRON CHEF CHALLENGES 1. Circus Peanuts Battle 2. Paste Battle 3. Tumorous Frog Battle 4. Vodka Battle 5. Long Pig Battle GANGSTERS THAT NEVER WERE 1. "Sour Mack" O'Gar 2. Fiorello "Dead-Birds" Fanucci 3. "Lanky" Hans Isenstahler 4. Mendy "Connie the Hunch" Globniz 5. "Big Jock" Flip MORE NEW MENU ITEMS FOR 2005 AT YOUR FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS 1. McDONALDS: The New "Salad 'N' Soy" Menu, Because Despite What Some Rabble-Rousers Might Claim, We Don't Make People Super-Size Anything2. SUBWAY: The "What Am I?"™ (chopped liver sandwich) 3. TACO BELL: The 29-Cent Value Menu (2 ounces of refried beans, half an ounce of shredded cheese, or half a damp tortilla) 4. WENDY'S: The Dave Thomas HeartStopper™ Quintuple Bacon Mega-Classic 5. WHITE CASTLE: The Greenthumb™, the veggie-burger that slyly acknowledges its stoner appeal |
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