The Ludic Log: Your Kiss Is On My List

BIG REVELATIONS FROM THE RETURN OF LOST

1. Ben does not actually have cancer; he has a mild cold, but his upbringing on the
remote island led to his thinking that the word for "stuffiness" was "cancer"

2. In a special episode guest-written by Jonah Goldberg, the castaways hunt down
Rousseau and berate her for her appeasement of the Others

3. The secret of Locke's paralysis is revealed: he was injured while drag-racing with
Jack when they were at the Insufferable Jackass Academy together

4. In a stunning revelation, Hurley's accountant washes up on the island and reveals
that he is worth only $154 million, and not the $156 million he had been led to believe

5. The island claims another victim as the giant three-toed statue is felled by a newly
fundamentalist Sayid, but there is cause for celebration as Ana Lucia and Libby return
as zombies

BIG REVELATIONS FROM THE COMING SEASON OF BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

1. Entire remainder of the season is largely dedicated to a minutely detailed account of
a pyramid tournament between rival maintenance crews aboard a cargo ship

2. It turns out that Col. Tighe is really a Cylon, but he just kinda forgot for 20 years

3. The fleet finally finds Earth, only to discover it has already been taken over by
Daleks

4. Two hotshot pilots, one a smirking halfwit with a three-day beared and the other a
rampaging black egomaniac, show up on the Galactica and give Adama a hard time

5. STARBUCK IS A MAN, DAMMIT

BIG REVELATIONS FROM THE CURRENT SEASON OF 24

1. Destruction of Valencia is not noticed, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get
married on that day

2. Sinister Bluetooth-wielding conspirators turn out to be in the employ of Wi-Fi
enthusiasts attempting to make rival product look bad

3. Big reveal of season finale: there are several members of his own family that Jack
Bauer has not yet tortured

4. Special guest appearance by Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, who give Jack
Bauer a 'thumbs up' from a passing jet aircraft

5. Jack Bauer intents to use next 24 hours grocery shopping, having backyard
cookout, masturbating to Victoria's Secret catalog

BIG REVELATIONS FROM THE FINAL SEAON OF THE WIRE

1. Carcetti runs for governor of Maryland, leaving Proposition Joe a surprise winner of
Baltimore mayoral election

2. From prison, Avon Barksdale orders the murder of Brother Mouzone with an arsenic-
laced bean pie

3. Chris Paltrow orders his subordinates to "solve your problems with words...and with
love" from now on

4. Sgt. Landsman racks up an astonishing 36 points and 12 rebounds in the annual
Cops vs. Crooks charity basketball tournament

5. Show is finally cancelled, but exciting new spinoff features Omar & Rawls as "the
original odd couple"

BIG REVELATIONS FROM THE BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER SEASON 8 COMIC

1. The long-awaited "Inca Mummy Girl II" episode airs

2. Special "audio commentary" takes the form of lots of footnotes where Joss Whedon
talks about how glad he is not to have to work with those stupid incompetent actors
anymore

3. Faith is back...with her new boyfriend, Wolverine! Featuring six variant covers!

4. Xander says something kinda funny and Giles looks befuddled

5. Buffy and Willow take on a demonic...hey, wait, who gives a fuck about the Buffy the
Vampire Slayer Season 8 comic?