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GIFTS YOU COULD BUY ME FOR THE LUDIC LOG'S SECOND ANNIVERSARY, GIVEN THAT 2nd ANNIVERSARIES ARE NORMALLY COMMEMORATED WITH COTTON 1. 100% cotton t-shirt, black, XL, no pockets 2. stock in a large, profitable corporation that manufactures cotton clothing 3. dinner with the reanimated corpse of Cotton Mather 4. a huge mansion in the south of France made out of a type of cotton that is almost identical to wood 5. a pair of Uma Thurman's panties, presuming she has some made of cotton and not silk or spun gold or whatever it is famous people wear REJECTED GUEST COLUMNISTS FOR THE LUDIC LOG 1. William F. Buckley (wanted too much money) 2. George Will (wouldn't do it when he found out we were in talks with William F. Buckley) 3. Batman (is a fictional character) 4. Catherine McKinnon (compared use of recycled 1950s advertising art on the site to rape) 5. my cat Gus (cannot read, write or formulate abstract thoughts, and wanted too much money) OTHER PROPOSED NAMES FOR THIS SITE BEFORE WE SETTLED ON 'LUDIC LOG' 1. The 33-Inch-Penis Blog 2. Bill Gates' Teenage Tickle-fight Journal 3. The Diary of Ballpark Frank 4. Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ: The Blog 5. More Jokes About Comics and Hitler BIGGEST FINANCIAL COMPENSATIONS I HAVE RECEIVED FOR WRITING THIS LOG 1. $280,750 from Henry Kissinger: for keeping my mouth shut 2. $55,000 from Paragon Electrical Sex-Novelties of North America: for dropping the lawsuit 3. $1,000 per week for the duration of the log from Raymond "Benzino" Scott: for continuing to mention his name on occasion 4. $250 from Yakov Smirnoff: for writing "in Russia, web log writes you!" joke 5. jack fucking shit from anyone: ongoing PROPOSALS FOR THE LUDIC LOG TRIBUTE WEBSITE 1. "Mamet's Inferno" covered by Sonic Youth 2. "The Men in Your Life" covered by Sleater-Kinney 3. "The Biggest Sleep of All" covered by Tom Waits 4. "High and Outside" covered by Pavement 5. "The Day the Clown Bombed" covered by Shellac |
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