The Ludic Log: Your Kiss Is On My List

SELECTIONS FROM UPSIZING SHAKESPEARE: RESHAPING THE BARD FOR A NEW GENERATION

1. The Merry Wives Who Windsurf

2. Titties Androgynous

3. Two Gentlemen with Big Gonads

4. Oil Well That Ends Well

5. Twelfth Episode of Knight Rider

FAILED LEGIONNAIRES

1. Timbre Wolf (power to sing in a five-octave vocal range)

2. Duplo Damsel (power to transform objects into interlocking blocks)

3. Colossians Boy (power to recall any Bible verse at will)

4. Flouncing Boy (power to swan about in a melodramatic fashion)

5. Mon-O (power to make his opponents ill after kissing them)

UPCOMING BATMAN MOVIES

1. The 40-Year-Old Batman

2. The Exorcism of Emily Batman

3. The Aristobats

4. Charlie and the Batman Factory

5. The Batmantasic Four

20th-CENTURY DICTATORS BLOG FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

1. Adolf Hitler, nsdap.blogspot.com: "Yo, meine Parteileute, haben Sie den neuen Paul Oakenfold gehört? Es wird garantier, um den Rave zu halten bis den Bruch von
Dämmerung zu bewegen! Drehen Sie es oben und Haben eine 24stündige durchgehende X-getankte Jude-freie gute Zeit!"

2. Pol Pot, yearzero.diaryland.com: "Check out this hilarious link, it's like some nerds playing real life Dungeons and Dragons and shit! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!"

3. Francisco Franco, stilldead.org: "¿OK, quién mirado 'La Raza Asombrosa' ayer por la noche? ¡Rock on, Uchenna!"

4. Josef Stalin, manofsteel.blogger.com: "I can't believe this new Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich at Burger King. There's nothing to it at all. It's just a bacon cheeseburger with some crappy ranch dressing on it. If this is what passes for innovation in their marketing department these days I hope some purges are in the offing. I barely managed to eat three of them yesterday at lunch. Way to suck, so-called Burger 'King'."

5. Benito Mussolini, ilgawkeri.com: "A drunken little bird tells us that she spotted A-list chick-litter Nicola Krause in quite a state over the state of the service at Citrus. A strange complaint, given that she'd alread been served four too many mojitos. Sounds like somone needs a nanny of her own...what are the needs of one puny novelista-lite compared to the power of the state?"

CELEBRITY COOKBOOKS

1. Vincent Price's Flavor from Beyond the Graa-a-a-a-aave!

2. Cookin' Cambodian with Henry Kissinger

3. It Came Out of My Body! with Moises Alou

4. Meet the Eats That Killed Us: The John Candy, John Belushi and Chris Farley
Cookbook

5. Joss Whedon Presents My Recipes That Were Way Better Before the Stupid Publishers
and Incompetent Chefs Ruined Them