The Ludic Log: Your Kiss Is On My List

THE FIVE THINGS WOMEN CAN KEEP IN THEIR HEADS AT ONE TIME

1. Having babies

2. Menstruation

3. Shoes

4. Talking to us while we're trying to get some work done

5. I dunno, soap operas? Jell-O recipes? Something

BAD ANALOGIES

1. James Brown:Gerald Ford ::

(a) Fred Wesley:Kenny G.
(b) Michael Corleone:A.J. Soprano.
(c) Anaïs Nin:Sitting Bull.
(d) “I Got Soul (Super Bad)”:”I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)”.

2. Somalia:Ethiopia ::

(a) Italy:Ethiopia.
(b) Eritrea:Ethiopia.
(c) Jamaica:Ethiopia.
(d) Lee “Scratch” Perry:Mulatu Astáque.

3. George W. Bush:George H.W. Bush ::

(a) Gilligan:Maynard G. Krebs.
(b) Peter Griffin:Homer Simpson.
(c) Chevy Chase:Dan Aykroyd.
(d) George H.W. Bush:an enema.

4. September 11th, 2001:the invasion of Iraq ::

(a) rape:pizza.
(b) moon rocks:Godley & Creme.
(c) Gleiwitz radio station:the invasion of Poland.
(d) losing your son in a drunk driving accident:burning down a bus station.

5. “Culture war”:”civil war” ::

(a) “war on drugs”:”war on inflation”.
(b) culture sample:civil suit.
(c) Brent Bozell:Walter Peck.
(d) Civil War:Infinite Crisis.

FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS OF THE BIZARRO WORLD

1. DRUNKEN DONUTS. No longer simply a favorite of Irish cops, Drunken Donuts
has expanded to all segments of the consumer market who enjoy becoming inebriated while eating sugar-saturated, deep-fried dough. Their famous coffee comes with a
choice of one, two or three shots of whisky, or the special ‘coffee optional’ version
that is handed to you in its own paper bag. Gin-glazed crullers and Jägerrmeister
bear claws are big sellers, but the perennial favorite is the Jell-O Shot Donut.

2. RED MOBSTER. This chain of Russian-style seafood eateries has really taken off
since its 1992 debut. Founder and CEO Fyodor “Crowbar” Selenovich cites aggressive marketing, low prices, and the popular ‘warehouse’ area of the restaurant (where
diners can enjoy cigars and discounted Rolexes that have recently fallen off the
back of trucks) as reasons for its success; fresh herring, dead-eyed and English-
deficient waitresses, and no seating with your back to the door also play a part.

3. BOSTON MARKUP. An upscale convenience-food chain, Boston Markup (which
was named not for the city, but for its CEO’s love of the song “More Than a Feeling”
is the favorite choice of accountants, financial advisors and investment brokers.
All meals come with a full history of the vendor’s profit margin, a financial statement
for the previous year, and an opportunity cost analysis of money spent vs. time
saved by not simply making the food yourself at home.

4. JACK IN THE HOLE. This southwestern chain has won innumerable design and
product innovation awards for its alarmingly accurate re-creation of the prison
dining experience. No take-home is available; customers must eat their meals off
metal trays under the cautious eye of armed tower guards, and the dining area is
racially segregated by prison gang affiliation. A wide selection of steam-tray
options are available, as is free soap, toilet wine, and the best sheet cake in town.

5. GINGER ROGER'S. Founded by the legendary silver-screen dance star in 1936
as an upscale series of themed nightclubs, Ginger Roger's was bought out after
tough times in 1979 by a group of Hong Kong investors whose command of the
language was imperfect. As a result, it is now a chain of cheap pirate-themed
Chinese takeout joints where all the dishes are seasoned with copious amounts
of ginger. Do your best to avoid Ye Olde Cap’n Jim’s Walk-the-Ginger-Chicken-
Planks.

CENSORED FINDINGS OF THE IRAQ STUDY GROUP

1. Intensive training for USMC to explain that when commanding officers say they
need to capture Iraqi hearts and minds, this is not meant literally.

2. Dig up William Westmoreland, give him Rumsfeld's spot.

3. Insert 'WELL ON ITS WAY TO BEING' between 'MISSION' and 'ACCOMPLISHED' on
all banners.

4. Institute a reward/punishment scheme for U.S. troops: free PlayStation 3 for all
soldiers who do not take photographs of themselves abusing prisoners, and demotion
and pay cut for anyone lazy and inattentive enough to get injured by an IED.

5. "Stay the course" to be replaced by "keep on truckin'" to evoke the carefree, happy-go-lucky feel of the early 1970s.

IN FOR 2007

1. prick-lit (lightly humorous urban novels about male stock market traders)

2. ironic old-lady sequined kitty sweatshirts

3. Shakespeare revivals (not of his plays, but attempts to reanimate his corpse)

4. Welsh-style pizza (lamb, leeks & Caerphilly)

5. the Not-So-Special Olympics (for non-mentally-challenged but nonetheless
lazy, stupid and awkward athletes)