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SUGGESTED WAYS TO DISPOSE OF MY BODY WHEN I DIE 1. Ground into paste and surreptitiously mixed into fanciful coffee drinks at Lincoln Park Starbucks 2. Turned into decaying, offensive puppet by German performance artist 3. Used as reanimated zombie drug mule by Haitian coke dealers 4. Brain used as defective component by modern-day Dr. Frankenstein in his monstrous Promethean creation, which subsequently goes on a horrific marijuana-smoking, comic-book-reading, loudly-complaining rampage 5. Placed in exhibit at Field Museum of Natural History entitled "The Man With the 33-Inch Penis" ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM THE TWO ISSUES OF "SECRET WARS II" I HAVE NEXT TO MY DESK FOR SOME REASON 1. "What is important is that I just get close enough to touch you -- so I can imbue my hate-stimulus into you directly...full force!" 2. "Is hallucinating why there is eating?" (said three times) 3. "Hiya, hag! Me again! Charlie Carcrash An' this time, like, no one's gonna help ya! I, like, know how all you bag ladies like, have thousands stashed away -- so, like, fork over!" 4. "Hi! How much for a couple of gerkelwhizzes and a cola?" 5. "Look, Beyonder, why don't you just go back where you came from?" POSSIBLE NAMES FOR NASA'S MANNED MARS SPACECRAFT 1. Perfectlysafeinator 2. U.S.S. Pointless 3. The $6,000,000,000 Manned 4. Your Tax Dollars at Work 5. Neato PEOPLE WHO WOULD MAKE A BETTER ATTORNEY GENERAL THAN JOHN ASHCROFT 1. John DeLorean 2. G. Gordon Liddy 3. Roy Cohn (alive) 4. Roy Cohn (dead) 5. a monkey ASS 1. can 2. butt 3. fanny 4. crapper 5. hiney |
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