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THE THREE SACRED AVATARS OF HINDUISM, IF I HAD INVENTED IT 1. Piercenu the Recycler 2. Lenhin the Refrainer 3. Alva the Consumer THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS OF THE BUDDHA, IF I HAD INVENTED IT 1. Existence is pointless 2. The cause of pointlessness is thinking there is a point 3. Pointlessness can be ignored 4. The way to ignore pointlessness is to find something more interesting to do THE FIVE PILLARS OF ISLAM, IF I HAD INVENTED IT 1. To declare that there is no God but Leonard, and that He is His own prophet 2. To say nice things five times a day in Leonard's direction 3. To give money to the poor people of Leonard's apartment 4. To make dinner for Leonard every day during Ramadan 5. To perform a pilgramage once a year to Leonard's garage and wash his car THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF JUDAISM/CHRISTIANITY, IF I HAD INVENTED THEM 1. I am Leonard, they God. But let's agree not to make a big deal about it. 2. Thou shalt not take Leonard's name in vain, because he hates standing there like an idiot saying "Did someone just call me? I could swear I heard my name." 3. Remember Leonard's birthday, to keep it groovy. 4. Honor thy father and thy mother. Unless they suck. 5. Thou shalt not kill, except animals, if they taste good. And people, if you have a good reason. Don't kill me, at any rate. 6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless it's, you know, a real good time. 7. I had one here about stealing, but it got all bogged down in definitions. Instead, here's one: don't pull halfway out into the intersection so oncoming traffic has to go way the hell over into the next lane. 8. By all means, lie. 9. Go ahead, try not coveting. See where that gets you. 10. Thou shalt not sell something with no tomato, cheese or crust and call it a pizza. |
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