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FORGOTTEN MUSES 1. Pornaica, Muse of Slash Fiction 2. Anoiancis, Muse of Windshield Flyers 3. Usnap, Muse of Yo Mamma Jokes 4. Osichore, Muse of Jokes That Appear in the Back Pages of Men's Magazines 5. Dumlorica, Muse of Collectible Trading Card Games ORIGINAL TITLES OF WELL-KNOWN NOVELS 1. Moby-Dick: Ishmael and Quequeeg -- A Love Story 2. Dracula: The Mysterious Hickey of Mina Harker 3. Martin Chuzzlewit: Patrick Chuzzlewit 4. Madame Bovary: Coozed-Up Gypsy Bitch 5. Ulysses: Untitled James Joyce Project #2 GREAT SCANDALS OF FAMOUS WRITERS 1. Jean Genet: wasn't really gay 2. Samuel Johnson: predicted Pringles hundreds of years ahead of time, but didn't tell anybody 3. Walt Whitman: was Yugoslavian 4. Joseph Conrad: had "Heart of Darkness" ghostwritten by a local prostitute 5. Edgar Allen Poe: wrote inspirational daily affirmations for Baltimore paper SECRETS TO WRITING A SUCCESSFUL NOVEL 1. buy another successful novel and copy it word for word, but change the names 2. do not listen to the ghost of Thomas Wolfe, especially when he's been drinking 3. kidnap a famous novelist and have him write it for you, and then later tell him it was a joke, only you get to keep all the money 4. don't just get an agent -- get a super-agent 5. 300 pages a day, every day LOST CLASSICS 1. Virginia Woolf's Party at Bloomsbury House!!! 2. The Clue in My Cock, Henry Miller's "Nancy Drew" mystery 3. Louis-Ferdinand Celine's Louis-Ferdinand Celine: The Adventures of Louis-Ferdinand Celine 4. The Marquis de Sade's Lollipop Island 5. Harry Stephen Keeler's The Man with the Implausible Coincidence |
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