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APRIL FOOL'S JOKES FOR THE LUDIC LOG (REJECTED) 1. Announce cessation of publication 2. Claim Ludic Log will now be operation of ClearChannel 3. Replace normal content with excerpts from old Jame Lileks bleat in which he claims music was a million times better in the late 1940s 4. Have Masta Killa ghostwrite column 5. Pretend all previous entries were actually cribbed from back of Heather Havrilesky's Sanrio notebook NEW FEATURES OF CELL PHONES 1. Function as larger, heavier, less useful iPod 2. Allow text messaging, e-mail, paging, and instant messaging, along with other features that would seem to be sort of pointless given that you are, in fact, using a phone 3. Can play very short pornographic films 4. Fabric softener dispenser 5. Cause 30% more auto accidents and 72% more annoyance than previous generation of cell phones BAD CHOICES TO PLAY MIKE TYSON IN THE MOVIE OF HIS LIFE 1. JM J. Bullock 2. Paul Giamatti 3. Ethan Suplee 4. Ron Jeremy 5. Joan Chen BAD WAYS TO GET SUPER-POWERS 1. arrange to have self bitten by radioactive lion 2. get very, very, close to nuclear explosion 3. make orbital space flight in rocket with insufficient oxygen supply 4. kill own parents, vow revenge on self 5. be born on doomed planet to world's greatest janitor APRIL FOOL'S JOKES FOR THE LUDIC LOG (ACCEPTED) 1. continue publication despite non-existent readership 2. write combative, politicized April Fools' day entry guaranteed to alienate at least half of non-existent readership 3. make April Fools' jokes on April 3rd 4. have lists ghostwritten by James Joyce, (the ex-fire commissioner, not the novelist) 5. french the monitor |
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