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CANDIDATES FOR 2005's "THE NEW BLACK" 1. dried calla lillys 2. Oxycontin 3. ecru 4. blacks 5. Tourette's Syndrome HIGH SCHOOL CLIQUES: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? 1. nerds: continuing their domination of the information technology sector, and, by extension, the entire planet 2. jocks: muttering "yeah, that's just what I fuckin' need, another kid" 3. drama fags: telling you about today's special 4. skate punks: trading carton of cigarettes for one week of no anal rape 5. heshers: still heshers EX-PRESIDENTIAL HOBBIES 1. Bill Clinton: hanging out in front of Harlem office with older gentleman known only as "Mo'Teeth", coming up with new synonyms for the word 'ass' 2. George H.W. Bush: telling each of his sons why they are disappointments 3. Ronald Reagan: mistaking desk lamp for former Secretary of the Interior James Watt; not being corrected 4. Jimmy Carter: visiting small island chain north of Japan as part of new "Maisonette for Monstrosity" project 5. Gerald Ford: being told repeatedly by Satan that Nixon is beyond the reach of a presidential pardon BUSINESS VENTURES OF THE SUPER-APES 1. The Ultra-Humanite: runs chain of dry-cleaners, "One-Hour Ultra-Humanizing" 2. Titano the Super-Ape: chief V.C. investor in ape-x.com, a B2B referral service for villainous radioactive monkeys 3. Congorilla: owns first, second and fifth Subway sandwich franchises in the former Zaire 4. Monsieur Mallah: Mallah Partners Inc. (private medical practice specializing in evil-scientist brain transplants) 5. Gorilla Grodd: Gorilla City Grodd-uate School AUDIO COMMENTARY TRACKS OF NEW T.V. SERIES DVDs 1. SCTV Network 90: cast members attempt unsuccessfully not to sound bitter 2. Family Ties: dozens of wealthy, successful assholes talk about how Alex P. Keaton was a big influence on their lives 3. Mr. Ed: interviews with a number of ordinary consumers who have used glue made out of show's star 4. G vs. E: each episode's audio commentary features one hour of a drunken Deacon Jones spewing obscenities at an unnamed recording technician 5. Growing Pains: in each episode, Kirk Cameron points out all the sins being committed by the family members |
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