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SUPERVILLAINS WHO
HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEIR HEADS 2. MODOK (has gigantic, hypertrophic head) 3. Arnim Zola (has small TV camera for head; has video image of face on screen imbedded in chest) 4. Psimon (brain is exposed under glass dome) 5. The Leader (huge, narrow head; called "Big Head" by the Hulk) 6. Ego, the Living Planet (head is the size of Asia) 7. Mysterio (head is encased in fishbowl) 8. Dormamuu (head is on fire) 9. The Supreme Skrull or whatever his name was (is nothing but a head, with little green worms poking out of scalp) 10. Chemo (head is giant plastic receptacle containing toxic chemicals; says "SSSSSSS! GURGLE". Also, is named 'Chemo', which is pronounced 'KIM-o' as in chemicals but looks like it should be pronounced 'KEE-mo' as in chemotherapy, which suggests that he is a supervillain who goes around irradiating people and making them bald.) MORE TAWDRY
CELEBRITY LIMERICKS He started with pictures of Lily As a way to embolden his willy; Though he says it's a con, It seems Pete has moved on To require naked pictures of Billy. 2. Her fans were all taken aback When Bobby Brown gave her a smack, But Whit can't go wrong Through the power of song As she wails "I Will Always Love Crack". 3. Her pop ditties insulted our ears; Her love dramas brought grown men to tears. Though it may take a year, Britney's future is clear: "Your fluffer is ready, Miss Spears." SUGGESTED NAME
CHANGES FOR MIDDLE EASTERN NATIONS TO GIVE THEM POSITIVE P.R. AND
DEFUSE THEIR REPUTATIONS AS HOTBEDS OF TERROR 2. Irock 3. Party Arabia 4. Bestpalestine 5. Sinsyria YET STILL MORE
TAWDRY CELEBRITY LIMERICKS Tabloid journalists -- they're such a bother! Always telling you what you should rather. What your Martin Bashir Sees as iffy and queer Is just being a (quite) loving father. 2. And these cameramen! I'd like to deck 'em. Show them special days, they'll up and wreck 'em. They made dirty bones Off of Ms. Zeta Jones -- Left the score two to nil (goals by Beckham). 3. But the worst of these scandal-detectors Are the vultures who harry Phil Spector. The blonde tart on his floor Might have walked out the door If he'd checked her just before he wrecked her. TO ALL THE GIRLS
I'VE LOVED BEFORE #2: You were "#1 Chance Pirate TV" by Team Dresch. You shifted in tone a lot and came from an angry place, but you rocked my fucking socks off. In the end, though, you really weren't written for me. #3: You were "Voices Carry" by 'til tuesday. You were a lot younger than I thought you were, but you were really good and very underrated. I often find myself wondering whatever happened to you. Also, inexplicably, you get played a lot at sci-fi and comic book conventions. #4: You were "Without the Either" by the Years -- that is to say, the song I wrote about you and performed with my band. You were the only song I ever wrote about a girl. And it almost killed me every time I sang you. #5: You were "Some Heads Are Gonna Roll" by Judas Priest. You were a real party-time number, and when you think about it, pretty fucking stupid, but I've always had an inexplicable fondness for you. You are inextricably linked in my mind with Jack Daniels and cheap cigarettes. #6: You were "Theme 2" by the Flat Duo Jets. You had an undeniable appeal, and I liked you a lot more than I should have, but you were curiously unfinished and seemed to fuck up about halfway through, and I can't help but think that I made a major mistake in liking you as much as I did. #7: You were "I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts" by X. One of the best songs I've ever heard, and no matter what happens, I keep coming back to you. You were sad and sort of poignant -- flawed, coming from a regretful but optimistic place -- and my only regret was that I could never write something so good. #8: You were "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones. You've been one of my favorite songs ever since I can remember, and no matter how tough things get, you were always there for me. Our relationship changed a lot over the years, but you've always on the radio: three chords and a promise. #9: You were "Mad Izms" by Channel Live feat. KRS-One. You came pretty much out of nowhere, dropped into my lap and blew me away, with some heavy beats, a killer hook, and an impeccable pedigree. For some reason, though, you didn't stick around for very long. #10: You were "Tugboat" by Galaxie 500. You were incredibly delicate and beautiful, but also strong, determined, single-minded. You were a hell of a good song, and that's all I could ever ask for. |
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