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FIVE FUTURISTIC INVENTIONS WE THOUGHT WOULD BE COMMONPLACE BY NOW BUT AREN'T, AND THE REASONS WHY 1. Video phones (no one wants to listen to businessmen, let alone look at them) 2. Hovercars (McDonald'sSuper-size drink cups, when thrown from a great height, can kill) 3. Interstellar travel (most alien worlds turn out to be very similar to Bloomington, IN) 4. Laser guns (doesn't rhyme with as many things as 'Glock') 5. Robots (third world children work just as well and aren't as expensive to produce) THE GREAT CONFLICTS IN RAP MUSIC 1. Man vs. bitches 2. Man vs. punks 3. Man vs. suckas 4. Man vs. the Man 5. Man vs. mic THINGS THAT, UPON REFLECTION, JESUS HAS DECIDED THAT HE IS NOT WILLING TO FORGIVE 1. The cancellation of "Twin Peaks" 2. The 1986 World Series 3. The career of Pauly Shore 4. Showgirls 5. Being nailed to a goddamn cross to fucking die DEMANDS OF STORMTROOPERS LOCAL 501 1. Change name to "Deathtroopers" so as not to be confused with Nazi stormtroopers 2. Uniform redesign in summer months 3. Responsibility of trash compactor cleaning to be given to Death Star maintenance workers 4. Clarification on which, exactly, are the droids we're after 5. Increased funding for target practice IT, THE LIVING COLOSSUS' DATING TIPS 1. Don't get all self-involved. Women aren't impressed by your title. Just introduce yourself as "It", not "It, the Living Colossus". Only tell her you're a living colossus if she asks what you do for a living. 2. Don't get all hung up on the past. If she asks about your past as an awesome Communist symbol of the majesty of the proletariat, just laugh it off as a crazy idea you got caught up in as an undergrad. Say you used to have a Che poster, too. 3. Everybody knows that you're possessed by the consciousness of a megalomaniacal alien overlord from the planet Kigor. But you don't have to say that you're possessed by the consciousness of a megalomaniacal alien overlord from the planet Kigor. Tell them you're "goal-oriented". 4. If she asks about Tony Isabella, say you don't know him. 5. Don't say: "Run from me now, humans! I'll crush you! I'll crush you all!". Do say: "You look beautiful. How do you feel about sushi?" |
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