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FIVE ITEMS WHITE PEOPLE MUST STOP ROCKIN' IMMEDIATELY 1. Dreads 2. Kangols 3. Blowout combs 4. That ass 5. Jheri-curls (note: black people must also stop rockin' these immediately) THE NINE CIRCLES OF HIP-HOP HELL 1. The Virtuous Pagans: all brothers and sisters without flava or flow are sentenced to stand in line outside the club, forever asking Maurice if they're on the list. 2. The Playas: sentenced to an eternal double date with Foxy Brown and Li'l' Kim, who have showed up wearing the same outfit. 3. The Gluttons: must spend forever in a tenement laundry room, hand-washing the draws of Big Pun, Notorious B.I.G., and whichever Fat Boy it was who died. 4. The Thugged Out: trapped at the wedding of a white couple from Indianapolis, where the DJ playes endless remixes of "The Thong Song", "Bust a Move", and Will Smith's "Miami". 5. The Sullen: forced to sort, fold and color-code a never-shrinking pile of MC Hammer's parachute pants. 6. The Ten Percenters: must spend all eternity stuck in a taxi with Canibus and the Real Stan, listening to 'Bus explain his elaborate, ridiculous conspiracy theories. 7. The Punks: must S-H-U-C-K Willie D.'s dick forever. 8. The Frauds: sentenced to perform an endless series of sold-out shows in Brooklyn while wearing obvious knockoffs of high-fashion clothing, like "Tommy Helfinger", "Shawn-Jon", and "Carl Cahn (E.)" 9. The Biters: must writhe forever in the grinding mouth of Satan himself, trying to help Too $hort come up with some more words that rhyme with 'bitch'. RAP SABBAC: BUILDING THE PERFECT WACK MC 1. The diverse beats of Schoolly D 2. The commercial potential of Anti-Pop consortium 3. The coherence and clarity of Ol' Dirty Bastard 4. The integrity and ethics of Benzino 5. The staying power of Another Bad Creation 6. The skills and abilities of Cappadonna THE SHOUT-OUT SCORECARD 1. My man God: 1,324,526 shout-outs 2. Moms: 1,064,516 shout-outs 3. My baby mama: 854,261 shout-outs 4. My niggas up in Rego Park: 604,800 shout-outs 5. Lyor Cohen: 572,608 shout-outs UNDER-REPRESENTED 1. Alaska 2. Fire Island 3. West Orange, NJ 4. Pocatella, ID 5. Trondheim, Norway |
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