|
|
|
|
|
THINGS I LEARNED AT A TIME MANAGEMENT SEMINAR TODAY 1. If you manage your time wisely, you will have your weekends free to go to movies, see shows, buy those things you've wanted to get whatever they may happen to be, and go to time management seminars 2. If you are attending a trade show and someone invites you out to the parking lot to see a new computer, don't go, or you will end up being kidnapped and will have to make your way back to the hotel by sound 3. You can make routine tasks more exciting by doing them in a "creative" way, such as standing up, turning your chair around, or writing in red ink instead of blue ink 4. You can live in Los Angeles most of your life and still have no idea how to pronounce Spanish names 5. Even though this is the year 2003, some people think that e-mail, an internet service provider, a web browser and a search engine are the same thing WHAT MY VAGUELY FOREIGN NEIGHBORS ARE DOING IN THE ALLEYWAY RIGHT NOW 1. Standing around a conversion van drinking tall-boys 2. Singing loudly in their indeterminate foreign language 3. Whistling 4. Shooting off crappy fireworks they bought at the grocery store 5. Splashing around in a kiddie pool even though it is 11PM QUOTES OF THE DAY I HAVE NEVER BEEN BRAVE ENOUGH TO USE 1. "Neither the smile of a woman nor coins in the purse can give a man confidence like a hot, healthy crap." (Ben Jonson) 2. "To be perfectly honest, I can't stand the Jews myself." (Elie Wiesel) 3. "Governments rise and fall; endless words, of which to our good fortune, there is a constantly replenishing supply, are wasted on their defense or in aid of their downfall; passions are inflamed and friendships shattered. To what end? Only in this: that...I'm sorry, what was I talking about? I am so baked." (Alfred North Whitehead) 4. "A walnut is the sermon of the nut world: it lifts the spirits and feeds the soul. Hey, look, I fucking like walnuts, all right? Does every fucking thing I say have to be profound? Screw you guys." (Samuel Johnson) 5. "Let slanders not yet born besmirch my bed; I know that Aphra Behn gives killer head." (William Shakespeare) WHAT RAPPERS WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY IF THEY'D HAVE KNOWN THEY WERE GOING TO DIE SO YOUNG 1. 2Pac: gotten butterfly tattoo on ankle instead of "THUG LIFE" across stomach 2. Buff the Human Beat Box: chosen less cardiovascularly strenous hobby than beatboxing 3. Notorious B.I.G.: assessed relative size, personality, temperament, cohorts of Puffy Combs and Suge Knight; reconsidered personal management decision 4. Big Punisher: not taken diet tips from Buff the Human Beatbox 5. Too Poetic: thought twice about begging the rest of the guys to finish Nightmare in A-Minor no matter what happened THE NEXT BIG THINGS IN BRITISH CUISINE 1. Chocolate-shaving cigarettes rolled in potato meal wrapping paper 2. Artificial peas 3. Buttle-up-the-junction 4. Mad scrod disease 5. Deep-fried greasy newspapers |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|