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POSSIBLE WAYS I COULD HAVE DIED WHILE GRILLING ON MY BACK PORCH TODAY, IN DECREASING ORDER OF LIKELIHOOD 1. Choked to death on bratwurst 2. Massive heart attack from heart-clogging meat exposure 3. Shot to death by deranged passer-by, crazed sniper or gangbanger with bad aim 4. Porch collapse 5. Vaporized by plasma cannon wielded by marauding aliens who happened to be staging their invasion starting in the alley behind my apartment building EUPHEMISMS FOR HAVING SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR 1. Borrowin' a cup of sugar 2. Co-signin' the ol' lease 3. Usin' the parkin' space 4. Bangin' on the cielin' with the ol' broomhandle 5. Fuckin' the neighbor FAILED MR. T TAGLINES 1. "I have little but scorn for any japer, rogue or jack-a-nape who trifles with T!" 2. "My prediction: light showers in the morning clearing by afternoon with mild breezes, followed by pain!" 3. "All right, I have...let's see...seven minutes for your jibba jabba. But that's it! I'm a busy man!" 4. "I'm gonna crucify him...just a smidgeon." 5. "I pity the fool who doesn't help T remove this enema tube!" TOPICS OF CONVERSATION WHEN MC PAUL BARMAN AND WILLIE D. FROM THE GETO BOYS HAPPENED TO BE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN LIKE AT THE GROCERY STORE ONE DAY 1. The terrible food at the Brown University cafeteria 2. How MC Paul Barman is one ugly-ass motherfucker 3. Mutual fear of Bushwick Bill 4. Lovin' the lay-teez 5. How MC Paul Barman needs to step the fuck off or else he can eat a dick IF ROLAND BARTHES WERE A GIANT CRUSHING ROBOT 1. The destructural, or crushing, code 2. The microanthropic, or puny human, code 3. The nonmilitilitarian, or your weapons are useless against me, code 4. The amusomaniacal, or ha ha ha ha ha! fools, code 5. The regaliversalist, or all will kneel before the mighty wrathe of BarthesBot, code |
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