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THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENTS I EVER GOT 1. Kickboxing date with Brigitte Nielsen 2. Got to meet my real father, Satan 3. Free passes to Gigli/The Brown Bunny double bill 4. $5 worth of McDonalds gift certificates 5. Godlike power over puny mortal insects THE GREATEST THINGS ABOUT TURNING 34 1. Can run for president next time there's an election 2. 15% discount at Gap 34-Year-Olds 3. Am now literally old enough to be the father of sexy 18-year-old girls 4. Can lord it over those punk-ass 33-year-olds 5. Outlived Jesus THE MOST IMPORTANT CULTURAL DEVELOPMENTS IN MY LIFETIME 1. Internet pornography 2. Car alarms 3. Shoes with blinking lights in them 4. Pre-cooked, shelf-stable bacon 5. The development of a nation so absurdly successful and overproductive that the existence of a worthless, contrary do-nothing slacker like myself is tolerated BIRTHDAY MISTAKES 1. Holding my breath until Uma Thurman called to congratulate me 2. Thinking that the police "can't touch you" on your birthday 3. Having my party on the outside of the top of the Hancock Tower instead of inside in the restaurant 4. Mixing beer, hard liquor and industrial pipe-cleaning products on an empty stomach 5. Believing that I had droit du seigneur over the upstairs neighbor THINGS I PLAN ON DOING ON MY 134th AND FINAL BIRTHDAY 1. Having a quiet evening with some of my oldest friends' tombstones 2. Making incomprehensible jokes about how I outlived Strom Thurmond 3. Asking our alien conquerers for the day off from working in the salt mines 4. Reminiscing at great length about movies, books, musicians, and comics that have not existed for over a century 5. Dying |
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