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08.14.2004

THINGS I HAD FORGOTTEN BUT WAS RECENTLY REMINDED OF AT THE WIZARDWORLD COMICS CONVENTION

1.  There's an entire industry dedicated to the manufacture of swords, axes, knives and other bladed weapons that are incapable of cutting anything

2.  There are Americans with so much money and so little to do that they will actually spend four thousand dollars on an issue of Pep Comics from 1943

3.  Erin Gray is alive

4.  The one who most clearly has no business wearing Spandex is always the one wearing Spandex

5.  Some people got nothing better to do than speak Klingon

WHAT I DIDN'T GET FOR MY BIRTHDAY

1.  a check with nine digits in the amount

2.  any younger
 
3.  that snazzy little Heckler & Koch I've had my eye on

4.  an immortality serum

5.  laid

THANKS, JEWS!

1.  bagels

2.  klezmer

3.  Sarah Silverman

4.  self-deprecating humor

5.  Norman Podhoretz -- no, wait

DANGEROUS AIRLINE PASSENGER ALERT LEVELS

1.  green:  Tom Ridge

2.  blue:  Mary-Kate Olsen

3.  yellow:  Yngwie Malmsteen

4.  orange:  Ted Kennedy

5.  red:  Salman Rushdie

FREELANCE WRITING GIGS I HAVE RECENTLY TURNED DOWN

1.  convention brochure for the 2004 gathering of the American Milk Solids Council

2.  presidential acceptance speech for Lyndon LaRouche

3.  review of a collection of Ann Coulter's love sonnets to herself

4.  interview with Vincent Gallo's prosthetic penis in The Brown Bunny

5.  short story for December issue of Lactating Giantess magazine

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