This little light of mine, I'm gonna break its spine.

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08.21.2004

NEW NAMES FOR PHYSICAL AILMENTS THAT MAKE THEM SOUND NOT QUITE AS BAD

1.  Bovine Fun-giform Encephalitis (a.k.a. Glad Cow Disease)

2.  Spinal cord jamboree

3.  Get Down Syndrome

4.  Cervicool cancer

5.  Kind bud pressure

GOOD THINGS ABOUT NAZIS

1.  Goerring:  total party animal

2.  Hess:  very neat
 
3.  Himmler:  really handy with a needle and thread

4.  Goebbels:  father of beloved comedian and Hollywood Squares regular George Goebbels

5.  Hitler:  provided world with a can't-miss punchline

NEW PROGRAMS TO WIN HEARTS AND MINDS IN THE ARAB WORLD

1.  U.S. forces have made a pledge to do as little physical damage as possible to mosques while machinegunning all the people inside to death

2.  American-backed puppet regime in Iraq to introduce meaningless, fraudulent elections by 2046

3.  Afghani warlords must now honor promise that if they can't stop and burn down your home, they will at least smile as they drive by

4.  Announcers for State Department's al-Hurra propaganda channel learning to pronounce Arabic names correctly

5.  prisoners of war to be provided with good-quality pornography while being forced to masturbate at gunpoint in front of cameras

CAREER ARCS OF THE DAMNED

1.  Pauly Shore

2.  Tonya Harding

3.  David Caruso

4.  Margot Kidder

5.  Vincent Gallo

WHAT DOES THE H. IN JESUS H. CHRIST STAND FOR?

1.  Holy (short for Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty God In Three Persons Blessed Trinity, which was too long to put on the census form)

2.  Hymen (a reference to His miraculous virgin birth)

3.  Hallmark (because God cared enough to send the very best)

4.  Handjob (based on Joseph's comment in later years, "Here I am married with a kid, and I've never gotten so much as a handjob")

5.  Herschel (He is Jewish, after all)

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