Love changes you.  But then, so can radiation.

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08.28.2004

SOME KINDS OF LOVE WHICH, AS PER THE VELVET UNDERGROUND, ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS

1.  Louve:  like regular love in every respect, but with a fresh floral scent

2.  Lovve:  twice as large as love, but more expensive and with annoying ad graphics all over it

3.  Lofe:  Records love while it is taking place so it can be played back later

4.  Luv:  only available in child sizes

5.  Louff:  comes with free cannister of sarin gas

A KINDER, GENTLER WUSHU FILM

1.  Fist of Reason

2.  Swordsman IV:  Cooperative Asia
 
3.  Beach of the Tour Guides

4.  Goodsport

5.  Eighteen Legendary Insurance Benefits of Kung Fu

STATE NAMES WHICH HAVE YET TO CATCH ON AS BABY NAMES

1.  Massachusetts

2.  Rhode Island

3.  Utah

4.  Iowa

5.  New Mexico

SURPRISING CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND

1.  Frankenstein's monster:  spoke in very affected Yiddish accent

2.  The wolfman:  is technically a dholeman

3.  Dracula:  is not actually Vlad Tepes the Impaler, but a Vlad Tepes the Impaler impersonator who also happens to be a vampire

4.  The creature from the Black Lagoon:  later moved to the Integrated Mixed-Income Lagoon

5.  The invisible man:  was never invisible, but is so socially awkward and embarrassing that people just pretend that he isn't there

LITTLE-HEARD LOCAL MORNING SHOWS

1.  KBRS 94.1, Omaha:  Mitch and Sandy's Drive-Time Knife Fight

2.  WMME 1000, Bridgeport:  The A.M. Abbatoir

3.  KHAM 96.7, Olympia:  Nothing But Sports and Penis Growth Ads

4.  WARU 93.5, Canton:  God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost Pass Judgment on the Souls of Lucky Commuters

5.  KRAE 1370, Santa Barbara:  the ClearChannel System Reference Tone Show

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