Yes, I really am posting jokey lists about the horrible events of September 11th, 2001.

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09.11.2004

WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH GEORGE BUSH'S MIND DURING THE INFAMOUS SEVEN MINUTES

1.  I wonder if Rumsfeld left the oven on in his Pentagon office, because if he did, it's just going to make a bad situation worse

2.  If I get assassinated, all that hassle bribing the Supreme Court guys will have been a total rip-off

3.  On the one hand, I could save the lives of countless numbers of my fellow countrymen, but on the other hand, I might never learn how this pet goat thing ends up

4.  You know, really, Condoleezza Rice is pretty hot...I wonder if...no, no, there'll be time for that later

5.  As soon as I get back to the White House, I really have to take care of those old newspapers I've been letting pile up

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS ABOUT 9/11

1.  How could so many emergency services nationwide mock the memory of the fallen heroes by naming their telephone number for this terrible day?

2.  Pretty big coincidence that all these planes happened to hit American targets, isn't it, when Canada is almost as close?
 
3.  Why do we still insist on using commercial airliners now that we've seen the damage that they're capable of?  Why don't we switch to blimps, which couldn't possibly take out an entire skyscraper?

4.  Given the role that oil has played in the history of middle eastern conflict, why aren't more people willing to implicate dinosaurs in all this?

5.  What did Mr. Peabody know, when did he know it, and why didn't he try and stop it?

THE HIJACKERS' ALTERNATE TARGET LIST

1.  World Trade Center, Tower 1:  The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, OK

2.  World Trade Center, Tower 2:  Big Sur

3.  The Pentagon:  American Girl Place

4.  The White House:  The "Big Brother" house

5.  A field in rural Pennsylvania:  another very similar but distinct field in rural Pennsylvania

AID GIVEN TO THE 9/11 TERRORISTS BY TALIBAN FORCES IN AFGHANISTAN

1.  lent them their umbrella that one time when it was raining really hard

2.  went to the Home Depot in Kabul and shoplifted them some box cutters

3.  kept their girlfriends out of their hair

4.  fixed them up with some killer doses, dude

5.  told them of this wondrous land 'America', and of its gleaming magical towers that are an affront to God; gave them 1996 AAA road atlas and subway tokens

HOW WE ARE SAFER NOW

1.  distracted Arab world by invading Iraq, which has kept them busy killing American soldiers overseas and prevented them from killing American civilians here at home

2.  highly useful color-coded terror alert system takes national attention away from political and economic issues that would only upset them

3.  televised beheadings considered in acceptable statistical range

4.  North Korea freed up to develop nuclear weapons, which will be perfectly acceptable as soon as they elect a leader who isn't a deranged totalitarian Stalinist

5.  nineteen hijackers who actually perpetrated the attacks haven't done anything else since them

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