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09.25.2004

ACTUAL CAR DECORATIONS I SAW ON THE WAY TO ST. PAUL THIS WEEKEND

1.  Bumper sticker reading "YOU CAN'T BE CATHOLIC AND PRO-ABORTION"

2.  Bumper sticker with little cartoon man, "+" symbol, little cartoon woman, "=" symbol, word "MARRIAGE"

3.  Vanity plate reading "LORD JZS"

4.  Bumper sticker reading "BE NICE TO ME"

5.  Bumper sticker reading "XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS RULES", not on a lesbian's car

LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CANADIANS

1.  That stuff they speak in Quebec? It's not French.  They're just making it all up as they go along.

2.  Coins are not called "loonies" because they depict a loon, but rather because they depict a crane with serious mental problems.
 
3.  Secretly think of Alaska as "their" state.

4.  Are always telling people that they have a girlfriend, but you wouldn't know her, because she's American.

5.  Really hate hockey, but you know how it is, you say you like it to be polite and the next thing you know every time a birthday rolls around people are giving you hockey-related gifts.

FOREIGN NATIONALS NAME THEIR FAVORITE STATES

1.  Russians:  "Georgia!  It's way better than the Georgia we have here.  Because of the Braves, and Coca-Cola, and they have a pretty good airport."

2.  Turkmenistan:  "New Hampshire!  We have a pen pal there and often she tells us of how she is trying out for the cheerleaders team."

3.  Micronesia:  "Minnesota!  How I long to visit this place, the Mall of America."

4.  The Gabon:  "California!  The west coast has the sunshine, and the girls they get so tan."

5.  Sudan:  "Texas!  They have food there!  I am very hungry!"

BAD TIKI BARS

1.  Beach Party East Berlin

2.  Surf 'n' AstroTurf

3.  Murray Finkelschweig's Long Island Luau

4.  Tiki Tikrit

5.  Traitor Vic's

FORGOTTEN KINGS

1.  Leopold the Insignificant

2.  Charles the Tedious

3.  Henry, No, Not That Henry, The Other Henry

4.  Louis the Whateverth

5.  John the Easily Distracted

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