The Ludic Log: Your Kiss Is On My List

WAYS SAN ANTONIO COULD BE FUNNIER

1. Change name of local grocery chain from H.E.B. back to H.E. Butt

2. more BioWillie francises

3. require all white citizens to speak only Spanish one day per week

4. bus in some Jews

5. replace tour guides at the Alamo with monkeys

BENEFITS OF GLOBAL WARMING

1. gives Al Gore something to do

2. money conservatives spend on asinine attempts to prove it doesn't exist is money they aren't spending on election campaigns

3. more girls going wild than ever before

4. rapider extinction of species makes Sierra Club fundraising easier

5. Americans will starve last

WORDS USED IN THIS LIST TO DESCRIBE MYSELF BEFORE I REVISED IT IN THE REALIZATION THAT MY PROFOUND SELF-HATRED ISN'T ALL THAT FUNNY

1. asshole

2. motherfucker

3. bastard

4. son of a bitch

5. miserable, stupid, self-deluding, pathetic fucking cocksucker

THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE 2006 BASEBALL SEASON

1. hating the Yankees never goes out of style

2. the National League is even lamer than I suspected

3. I will probably never know if it's true that if your team repeats a championship, you
have seventeen orgasms and the last one is made of chocolate

4. I don't give a shit about steroids

5. we're still better than the Cubs

MY FAVORITE TRADE MAGAZINES

1. Typesetter!

2. Industrial Medical Launderer's Monthly

3. Chemical Castration Professional's Digest

4. Letters to Industrial Medical Launderer's Monthly

5. Outsourcing Today (formerly American Industrial Medical Launderer Gazette)