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10.02.2004

VITAL BUSH MISSTEPS IN THURSDAY'S DEBATE

1.  Having the double enchilada platter right beforehand

2.  Complimenting Kerry's daughter on her "real uptown titties"

3.  Mispronouncing words "nuclear", "mullahs", and "president"

4.  Refusing to speak for long periods of time in the belief that the light timers on the podium would communicate for him, a la Captain Pike in 'The Menagerie' episode of Star Trek

5.  Claiming that the 1000+ American casualties in Iraq were perfectly within acceptable range, because it was only the stupidest soldiers who died

VITAL KERRY MISSTEPS IN THURSDAY'S DEBATE

1.  Carrying comparison to John F. Kennedy too far by vowing to be shot in the head by a disturbed ex-soldier in his third year in office

2.  Wearing 'Bush is a Pussy' t-shirt
 
3.  Paying Howard Dean to utter his trademark bellowing roar when President Bush was trying to make his arguments

4.  Reminding viewers that he's not the same Senator Kerrey who "killed a bunch of women and orphans and stuff"

5.  Attempting to cement tough-on-terror stance by offering to personally strangle a captured Iraqi insurgent to death on live TV

HOW DICK CHENEY IS PREPARING FOR TUESDAY'S DEBATE

1.  Memorizing passages from Lynne's smutty lesbians-on-the-prairie novel

2.  Looking into ways to officially seal the debate transcripts so no one can read them until he's out of office

3.  Putting self on strict no-babies diet until after the election

4.  Being coached by a team of public relations experts to seem less like a horrible, twisted, evil, greedy old plutocratic bastard

5.  Having Halliburton offer every single American citizen $50 to say he won

HOW JOHN EDWARDS IS PREPARING FOR TUESDAY'S DEBATE

1.  Learning how to shave from his dad

2.  Buying a fitted pair of big boy pants

3.  Making sure to remind audience members that he's not the guy who helps them communicate with their dead relatives

4.  Preparing class-action lawsuit against moderator should he lose

5.  Hiding behind bullet-proof shield to protect self from waves of assaults and assassination attempts by Cheney's highly trained and deadly S.P.E.C.T.R.E. operatives

POSSIBLE ELECTION OUTCOMES

1.  Bush wins again by same 4-3 vote as in 2000

2.  Kerry wins by over 35 million overseas write-in votes, all from France

3.  Nader wins in the biggest landslide in U.S. history

4.  America collectively says "fuck it" and elects Bill Clinton again

5.  Due to confusing ballots and problems with electronic polling, election is won by Pat Buchanan and Britney Spears

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